We all leave relationships because we are not being loved the way we want to be loved.  The kind of love I dream of, is not being given by the other person. It’s not his fault, he has his own paradigm for love. And we all owe it only to ourselves to find exactly the kind of love we want. If we are settling for less, that’s our own choice. Some people are too afraid of what might be out there, and will accept less simply because they have found a sure thing. To each her own.

But the kind of relationships we keep experiencing and the kind of love we receive reflect who we are on our current level of self-development and awareness, and the kind of love we give depends on our current level of consciousness.  People with extremely limiting beliefs will experience only relationships that fit within certain parameters. People of lower consciousness will almost certainly choose certainty, and the higher they evolve through life circumstance, experience and their need to survive, the more likely they are to shed ideas which do not serve them. Traditionalists tend to be married to status quo, and are over-focused on preservation of their love-view, rather than experience terrifying change.

The more conscious a person is the less they have a fixed attitude on any subject. Fixations, regardless of whether they are religious, political, or social, tend to keeps us anchored to a place, and a lot of people believe in growing roots deep into the ground and staying fixed permanently in place, rather than giving themselves the freedom to spread their wings and fly. They tend to hang onto things and people, rather than encouraging them to expand, explore, and choose for themselves.

The most conscious people are more ephemeral, flexible, fluid, and intuitive. They have accepted and mastered change, and perceive life’s difficulties as opportunities to grow. In fact, growth is key to ultimate life’s experience, so they embrace uncomfortable change knowing that it will expand them. Conscious people believe in personal freedom, and love without boundaries. They understand that pure love is without condition, and so they don’t impose conditions on their loved ones.

Where an unconscious person might dole out love in equal measure for what is being given to them, a conscious person loves everyone no matter what. An unconscious human might barter love for some peace of mind and security, a conscious person would love even if nothing was being given in return. The unconscious love in order to be provided for, the conscious know that love cannot be traded, and that is absolutely free and unlimited.

How is love free? Each of us is capable of producing the feeling of love in our own hearts on our own. No one owns that feeling. Who or what you love is just an object toward which you direct that feeling. If that person doesn’t love you back, you are still able to produce and maintain that feeling of love, regardless of what they do. It is your prerogative. When less conscious people attempt to trade love for marriage, they assume that they are able to take that feeling of love from their hearts and give that feeling to the other in exchange for a contract. But the other cannot feel their feelings, nor can he/she ever know if that feeling is genuine. In essence they have traded loyalty and a promise in exchange for something tangible.

A conscious person knows that love is not in the object, it is within us. When the object leaves, we are still capable of producing and enjoying that feeling of love as we wish. Just because I give love to one person, doesn’t mean that I have less love for the next. Just because someone is gone, doesn’t mean that I have to rip the feeling of love out of my heart and bleed. I can love anyway. In fact, I love all my exes and am grateful for all the beautiful experiences.

I used to complain that my narcissistic codependent parents could not love me the way I loved them back. Like any child I was ungrateful for what they offered. I didn’t want the boarding schools, my own car, the trips around the world, I wanted them to acknowledge me and my special being, and make me feel as such. They didn’t. All they could do was produce those things that all traditional parents are instructed to do:  guidance, lessons, manners, obedience and an education. Did they owe me more?  As much as I wished I could get love out of them, I now know they didn’t owe it to me. Each loved on the level of their own consciousness. Their marriage was traditional, stable, codependent, difficult, and they accomplished exactly what they were expected: a home, two children, a business, some nice cars, and a comfortable retirement.

Even as a child I knew I was capable of a greater kind of love, so I practiced it anyway. Regardless of how they treated me or what they did to each other, I knew my love would be greater than that. My first marriage was an example of that. Though at 26 I was not nearly as self-aware nor awake as I am today, I still was able to produce a more conscious love than my parents thought was possible. And since my divorce, I produced even more love with every subsequent person.  That’s not because the person is better or that he provides me with more love, it is because I am more conscious of what love is.

I am more capable of staying in that feeling of love regardless of my circumstances, and am able to hold onto it better when my lovers act in ways that do not please me. They don’t have to please me, I am always being pleased anyway.

But there is such a thing as egotistical consciousness, the idea that we are so highly enlightened that anyone who does not obey or follow us, must be far less conscious than we are. Beware of the egos, the narcissists, the far-from-conscious. They all want to teach or sell you something.  We all tend to look at our lovers with a critical eye and accuse them of being less conscious than we are if they are not pleasing us in ways we want to be pleased. If he or she is not reflecting back to us the person we think we are, that is not their fault. We are all mirrors, and can only reflect back what we see.

The world is changing, and always for the better. In my lifetime there has been a huge shift in what love and relationships are and I am very pleased with that. The institution of marriage is failing, not because people no longer value love, but because they are less dependant on contracts.  We all still love, perhaps even more so. Back when we were allotted one spouse to last us a lifetime we could only love one person. Today, we all love multiple people, and with each lover, if we are able to let go, produce more and more and more love. We are also allowed all different kinds of love that were not acceptable only thirty years ago. Today interracial love is normal, gay love is accepted, and society is adjusting to accommodate all sorts of new ways to love. Sure, there are complainers, but we manage to love anyway.

The fact is that all that consciousness is, is pure love. Can you love your enemy? Can you love that toxic, abusive, good-for-nothing ex? Can you love that person who refuses to love you back? Can you love that politician who is taking away your rights? Can you love that idiot who refuses to see you are correct? Well, then you have a lot of work to do on yourself.  The good news is that the work on the self never ends and you have a lifetime to learn how to love purely. The good news is that if you fail, and you sure will a few times, there is no shortage of love nor lovers in this world who will be willing to give you a try. Practice makes perfect, and the world is full of beautiful people who also enjoy the practice.

By the way, how can you claim to love purely when you don’t enjoy they experience of failing at love? Isn’t that a contradiction? We all know people who are afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting soiled by more experience, afraid of the agony of letting go. Can you imagine what kind of concept of love they hold in their hearts?

It is okay to love people regardless of what kind of love they can give you. It may not be okay to marry them, because marriage is in essence a transaction, a tit for tat. But, if you truly want to expand your consciousness, practice loving all that is unlovable. Yes, even your wretched mother-in-law 🙂 . Sure, it is challenging to love a person of lower consciousness knowing that we will never be able to meet their expectations. They want, they need, they require and they will always be asking for more evidence of what they think is love, when all we can give them is pure love. If loving them is enjoyable, don’t feel guilty for sharing your experience with them at all. Once it starts to feel like a drag, like they are asking for objects, contracts, promises, behavior modification, therapy or various sorts of evidence, you are free to spread your love elsewhere.

Just like god, love is everywhere. In fact, they are synonymous. Can anyone own god? Then how can they own a fully conscious being? A fully conscious being is one with the universe, like an oxygen molecule is part of the atmosphere, it is all there is.

If you want to experience a greater type of love, then free yourself. All that is great is not chained in place, nor bound to you. All that is great is free to grow, welcome to explore, easy to love, sometimes even fleeting. Love is in that moment that you experienced it, not in what you got out of it. Love is never in the other person, it is always inside of you.

We love at our own level of consciousness. How great a love you receive depends on how great a love you are capable of.

S

You came into this world with one purpose only, to experience life beautifully. What is beautiful to you, is yours to decide. What is beautiful to me may be unacceptable to many people, but I pursue life’s ultimate experiences as I desire. I struggled to make my desires acceptable for years.

Yes, when I decided to get out there and experience men in all their glory, I heard a lot of criticism, especially from people with degrees in psychiatry. She is hurting herself, self-sabotaging, disrespecting herself, she needs help. On the contrary, honoring yourself with whatever your heart’s desire is the mark of a Goddess. With that comes the awareness and acceptance that yes, mistakes will be made, unfavorable situations will be experienced, and pain will be felt. In fact, I did it all for the experience to learn about myself, find my missing boundaries, learn how to regrow a heart, assess my mistakes and reposition myself into a wiser, stronger, more powerful woman.

In fact, experience is our only teacher. Good or bad, we need both types of lessons. My inner strength and wisdom came mostly from the painful experiences, less from the good ones. I was willing to hit rock bottom multiple times, to learn how to maintain balance.

Are there experiences in your life you always wished but never felt worthy? Have you been bottling up that curiosity because if they find out, you’d be shamed or judged for it? When I was sad and married, I gave myself permission to have an affair. I desired it, and needed it, and made a conscious effort to attain that. I also set the intention that I would not feel guilty, I will not judge myself, and if it wrecked my marriage I would fully accept the consequences. It didn’t wreck my marriage, it improved it. I am not recommending you go out there and cheat, I do recommend you start honoring your heart’s desires because you came into this world to live fully and exceptionally.

Have you forgotten what it feels like to feel alive? Not just lifelike, but totally wired, in awe of life’s ultimate experiences, that moment when trees start talking, energy starts gushing through your body, and your entire day feels like a giant orgasm. To live in permanent ecstasy is not a drug-induced state. In fact it is the opposite. It can only be a self-induced state, because the power isn’t in the chemical with limited properties and potential, it is in yourself and your awareness of the infinite. When you produce that state at will, with your mind as the only tool, you become one with all there is. When Salvador Dali said “I don’t need drugs, I am drugs” this is exactly what he meant.

We humans live within the boundaries we created in our own heads. Enter any new situation, and we already have a pre-determined paradigm for it. Our idea of What Can I Be? usually falls within the boundaries of what degree do I have?  Our idea of what can I have, usually falls within the boundaries of what will they offer me? As if earning more, taking more, and achieving more is dependant on other people.

What do I want to experience in life? Everything outside my ever widening parameters. No matter what area of my life, I want that which is disapproved, illogical, imprudent and always shifting. I learned long ago that life’s ultimate experiences lie on the other side of fear. Machiavelli instructed “Fear Nothing”, and this is a quote I thoroughly live by. Fear is just a feeling we are afraid to feel. Nothing more. Allow yourself to feel it, become okay with the discomfort, then watch fear disappear like magic.

In fact, my ability to master my mind and overcome fear as well as a thousand other disabilities has freed me from what I had become. In my earlier version 2.0, I was a boxed in, people-approved, good daughter, banker and wife. That was all I thought I could be. I feared the life outside this program because everything I had was comfortable. Had you told me that I could become a v.3.0,  I would have said no thanks, I’m good, I have everything I need.  Had my program not crashed beyond recovery, I never would have had to start recoding myself again, build a new paradigm, and create a new reality.

My v.3.0 was a failure. I programmed it with fear. I experienced doom from the earlier crash, and armed with knowledge of loss, anxiety, panic, fear and hopelessness I made a glitchy program that would abort every time I tried to start it. Did I let it go?  Nope, I insisted it would work if I learned to live with it. It was ugly. My mid thirties were a hideous, toxic mess of life’s ultimate mistakes. But is there really such a thing as a mistake? No, just experience.

Here I am staring proudly at me, v.4.0.  I am still far from perfect, but very proud of me. I am clear, I am free, I am unlimited, I am constantly changing because I have accepted every version of me. Pain is a thing of the past because I realized it is only a choice. Fear is a foreign concept because whatever I accept and let go, I master.

What I experience now is who I am now. In connection with my beingness, I am everything. Every experience I want to feel is mine without guilt, without fear, without consequence. Once you become okay with all consequence, all potentials of loss disappear. What is loss? Just a feeling, just a perception, just a state of self-judgment.

In that limitless state, am I capable of honoring other people, relationships, and ideas? Absolutely, as long as they all honor me. I am incapable of honoring anything which dishonors me.  I am so hyper-aware of all that I am, that all that falls short of the state of permanent bliss is a dishonor. Who or whatever reaches me up at this level can stay, and I will honor it profusely.

But what about people who can’t reach that high? How can you leave them behind? I can aid them better from up here. They don’t have to want to climb, in fact they can stay in a state of whatever suits them. But if and when they decide to climb, I will always guide them up, not through concerted effort, but through resonance. If who I am resonates with you, you will always find me.

So, what state are you in? There are many words for the state. I don’t want to put a label on it because some people will be offended by its size, or confuse the word with a false sense of grandiosity or ego. I call this my Goddess-state because when I first reached it prophetic visions flooded my mind.  I began to see with different eyes, eyes I always had but were never open.  I began to perceive beyond this projection we call reality. Suddenly energy was readable, my cells could talk, my mind was a receiver and I could see through people, situations and global events. Nothing was as it seemed, everything had a connection to its origin.

There are symbols in world cultures that were meant to be understood by only those whose eyes are open. Suddenly, I could read them, understand them and know that there are no conspiracies, there is just resonance between those who need no language to speak. In fact, I know what level of consciousness a person is on, simply by their attitude toward that which lays hidden from them. Some know their access to it, others will always resent it.

Resonance is how most of us communicate on a deeper, meaningful level. You don’t need to reach your higher self, you will always resonate with those who are exactly on your frequency. Those people you feel a spark with are the ones on your level. So study them, and you will know exactly how far you need to go and in which direction.

Make no mistake, when I am in my Goddess state, I am God, and nothing less. That is what it feels like to be here, utterly limitless. It takes some mastery to stay here for extended periods of time, and there are in fact very few people resonating at this level. It can get pretty lonely here, but I stay because it feels awesome.

What can I do in this state? I easily see through people, their motives, global events. I can sense the stock market and sense how it feels. I feel people’s pain and know the origins of their diseases.  I have even been able to cure a few with mere words. When I am up here I understand all there is. In fact, I have perfect clarity.

A reader recently wrote me that she can tell when I am writing from my Goddess state, or when I am communicating as a mortal. My words flow more smoothly, I am in touch with all there is and I deliver exactly what needs to be said, exactly to who needs to hear it.  Everyone else sees only words on paper and hears only gibberish.

I have had experiences where I meet a complete stranger, and in a matter of minutes deliver exactly that knowledge that they need to help them with their work.  I was at a lecture listening to a researcher speak passionately about a subject I previously knew nothing about. She was beaming with excitement, knowing very well that what she was proposing fell far outside the parameters of what was accepted by her peers. But I knew she was on the right track, her theory was almost complete, if only she could prove it. As she continued talking I could see the missing pieces were directly under her nose. They stood out on the screen like glowing X-rays, she just didn’t see or know the significance of them.

Will she think I’m crazy? My advice has nothing to do with her profession. At the end of the lecture, I asked for her card then told her I’d contact her to invite her to an event I was hosting. Weeks later she was still on my mind, especially her seemingly preposterous idea she was trying to prove. But I had all her answers so I started writing whatever was flowing through me. I must have written a six page letter, and I linked all her missing pieces to information proven in other fields completely unrelated to hers, and I hit send. Somehow I knew that even if she thought it was useless, on some level she will understand how all the pieces fit her theory. I just connected her dots. Then next morning, she called me at 7am to ask for permission to publish my words exactly as they flowed out of me.  She claimed there was no other way for her to reconnect the dots in her own words and have them make the same sense. Of course, the words were meant for her.

This state some call limitless, is available to all of us. We all are born from it, and we come to this world perfectly connected to all there is. It isn’t a state available to only a few who know the secret hand shake to get in, and it isn’t meant to be hidden away from you. In fact, this state is right above your nose, so to speak. It resides in your own mind, and your access is only denied if you purposely block yourself from it, with your unwillingness to explore and become comfortable with your mind.  You cannot buy a certificate of completion and claim to possess it, and you cannot earn it by following life’s rules. In fact, if you do that, you will be permanently blocked from it.

Aside from meditating and becoming comfortable with my own mind, I was also shedding fears, stepping outside my own boundaries, and learning to do exactly those things I was always warned not to do. It is exactly there that you start to lose your attachment to social constructs. They are just illusions upon illusion of rights and wrongs, false morality that serves others but not you, pressures to conform and join the sleeping masses, be normal.

There are very few people living outside the boundaries they constructed for themselves. You might not recognize them, but they are the ones laughing in the face of extreme danger and doing it anyway. No, they are not addicted to the rush of doing something stupid, they are doing it because they are aware of their limitlessness. Those super achievers, the renegades who stop at nothing until they prove the unprovable, are the ones who are awake, and truly living life. Ideas flow to them with ease because they are in their God-mind, and are totally owning it.

When they are not exceeding their own expectations, they are busy enjoying that chocolate sampler I call life. What they enjoy is totally up to them, they earned the right to shape their own reality through mastery of their own minds, and experience the best that life has to offer on their own terms. Have you noticed that they never apologize for what they have, and never regret a single thing?

In fact, that is the Goddess Principles motto: No apologies, no regrets.

 S

What are you still holding on to? Letting go is probably the most powerful lesson I learned in my life, and we are all aware of some things we should be letting go of. What surprised me the most is the discovery of the thousands of life’s circumstances that I have still not released because I was not even aware I was carrying them with me. I discovered those false beliefs, people, issues in meditation and thankfully have been releasing them one by one.

Many of those things I was holding onto, I have been stuck on since childhood, so imagine my surprise when I discovered they are now an accepted part of my life. In the process of letting go, don’t analyze the past problem (that will make it worse), don’t blame other people, simply acknowledge you are stuck on that person, event, or false belief, understand how it no longer serves you, then release. Releasing past energies has been like peeling an onion. In daily meditation, I discover old energies that don’t feel good, and I now understand how holding onto them has been making me sick, but worse, attracting repeated situations and patterns. Releasing them has freed me up, and I actually see movement in my life.

There are things we are aware of, and things we are not aware of that we are holding from the past. Self-awareness is the most important aspect of being a goddess. Regardless of whether you meditate, it is a humbling experience to recognize how we shape our own life, and how we choose to hang onto things. Every time I have let go of something big, I assumed it would be painful. But release actually feels good, empowering, and like a burden has been lifted off. We fear letting go, but fear is only an illusion. Every release was a blessing.

People often criticize me for letting go with ease. It is assumed that if a woman walks away easily, she must be cold, uncaring, heartless. We are expected to suffer through it, and if we don’t, there must be something wrong with us. On the contrary, most friends and people who know me openly say that I am the most caring friend they have ever had. I am not cold, I have had more practice letting go than most people, and have resolved a long time ago to make letting go a lifelong commitment.

One of the toughest blocks to the letting go process is the assumption that it will hurt. And yes, it can hurt if we don’t understand that just because we have broken up with a person, we haven’t actually let go of anything. Often, we remove the person from our experience, but their energy lingers. And the issue that we think we broke up with remains in our life. For example, if the relationship was toxic, we tend to hang onto that toxicity long after the person has walked out the door. Well, the pain is not only in the missing person, it is in the remaining toxicity. The longer you dwell on the toxicity of the failed relationship, the longer that toxic energy will hurt you. So, the pain is in the unresolved conflict, the lingering issue, and the more we focus on what went wrong in the relationship, or what was wrong with him or her, the longer we remain stuck

To release the energy requires some practice. The more you practice letting go and resolve to become committed to it, the easier it becomes. I meditate as a daily practice and have been doing so for twelve years. It is how I have learned to get a grip on my mind, hold it sill and become aware of energy. I now see energy and read it. If you are not aware of energy, you can still make letting go an easier process.

Understand that the value of any relationship is not in the person, it is in the experience. A person is just an entity that is no longer present. The experience of the relationship, how it felt, how it altered your self-perception, the impact it had on your soul and your psyche is very much still present.  And how you perceive that impact has everything to do with how you deal with the loss, and whether you allow it to fester. In fact, you decide whether you are going to be the victim or the victor, whether you view the circumstance with a positive or negative outlook, and whether you blame the other person or fully accept the responsibility for being in the situation.

I always accept responsibility for everything that happens, because I alone create my reality. It may seem that certain things are beyond my control. The painful car accident, the death of a family member, or an illness, seem like things we have no control over. We do. I am not going to go into how or why we choose those situations, that is a topic for a future post. We do decide how we perceive those incidents, and we chose how we process those emotions.

Long ago in my self-awareness practice I resolved to become more adept at letting go, and to master it. I learned to let go of all relationships that do not serve me, not just those meaningless flings, but those people I have been bound to since the beginning of my life. Each time I learned that the pain was not in the person, it was in the perceived loss. With practice I realized that the actual person was not the problem, it was my commitment to the toxic issue that was keeping me stuck.

I was committed to many toxic beliefs and circumstances such as fear, victimhood, suffocating in relationships, the horrible feelings of being controlled by others. Those beliefs turned into anxiety and panic attacks to which I became committed to even more. The anxiety continued and my fear of suffocation by overbearing people turned into asthma, an actual disease that feels just like suffocation. Can you see the parallels? I then became committed to asthma, because I was on a quest to beat the shit out of the disease with steroids. Fifteen years later I was a victim of inhalers which I was sure were going to kill me, the horrible side-effects which I became even more aware of, and the panic and desperation of having to deal with new ailments.

Years later, when that suffocating relationship ended, I was meditating, and somehow that past experience popped in my head. I became aware of my lungs and the slow oncoming feeling of wheezing and suffocation. As my lungs became tighter, I became aware of the energy in my chest. Long before the struggle to breathe started, I was already aware of what suffocation would feel like. Hmm?  My awareness of suffocation preceded what my lungs were doing. So first came my recollection of the relationship, then my awareness of what suffocation feels like, and only then did my lungs respond. Could it be that simple? My lungs are responding to how I am feeling emotionally every time my brain pulls up the past issues of that relationship.

But when did I have my first asthma attack? The very first time I remember experiencing suffocation was shortly after I moved in with my now ex-husband. I was young, in my early twenties, and living with a man I was very much in love with. We were planning a wedding, and back then I wasn’t nearly as self-aware as I am now, so I had no tools to understand what was really happening. My doctor blamed the asthma on allergies, but prior to that day I was never allergic to anything in my life. Suddenly I was allergic to 12 different things and found myself with a growing dependence on steroids to breathe.

When was the last time I had an asthma attack?  It started to disappear when I started to mentally and emotionally let go of people who were suffocating me, like my abusive in-laws, and when I let go of my commitment to maintaining a marriage that no longer served me. I became okay with the marriage not working out, I became okay with letting go of the love of my life, I became okay with moving on and creating a life on my own terms. As soon as I let go of being stuck on people who were killing my spirit, draining my energy, sucking the life out of me, I started to breathe and no longer needed the inhalers. To be fully honest, I was practicing both Ayurveda and meditation at the time, and both definitely helped. But I have never had an asthma attack since 2009, when I finally decided to let go.

Oddly, today I am super sensitive to the energy of control. How do I know when I am talking to a controller, a manipulator, or in a situation where my hands are slowly being tied?  I feel it in my chest, my heart chakra tightens up. And if I ignore that warning, I start to wheeze, that feeling of suffocation now alerts me this is not a situation that I should be in. So, I walk away. Today, walking away is easy because I am aware of that release we all feel when something that was blocking us, not letting us breathe, is finally gone.

But what were the consequences of not letting go for all those years? Obviously I developed a disease which mimicked the emotional symptoms I was experiencing. But also, by being attached to the suffering I was experiencing in my relationship, I actually carried that energy with me for years. I was projecting it into other relationships, and wondering why am I always finding myself in situations with other controllers. Every single person in my life from family members, best friends, bosses and lovers was a control freak. By remaining stuck on the issue of control and victimhood, I became a magnet to more situations where I was being controlled. This plagued me for decades.

Though being controlled had plagued me most of my life, I refused to accept it. Instead I became committed to releasing it forever. I became aware of the people and situations that made me feel powerless and said goodbye to all of them. I said good-bye to my own father. Do you think that was easy?  As painful as we all know that is, I decided to do it anyway because I am not willing to be controlled by invisible demons for the rest of my life.

But, what happened next was astounding. I was terrified of what might happen when I sever my relationship with him. He threatened me many times. He even threatened to destroy my relationships with other family members I loved the most. I walked away anyway.

But, as soon as I honored that commitment to myself, and walked away from him, I felt release. I felt free, I felt powerful, I felt like I can finally breathe. What I expected was the excruciating pain of loss, instead I felt freedom, immense love, relief.

How did the separation from my ex-husband feel? In the weeks leading up to the separation, I felt depressed, anxiety, nightly panic attacks. But, the day he moved the last box out of our home, I felt clear. If you’ve ever experienced it, you know what a beautiful feeling clarity can be. The home was mine (not legally, but spiritually) and I was now free to decide how my life was going to be.

Each time I focused on the impending doom of loss, I was overcome by fear and panic. But when I got the courage to finally let go, I felt nothing but peace. Once it’s over, we are all free.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that it is never the other person, it is the experience that we truly must let go of. Just because he or she is gone, doesn’t mean you are now healthy. What you truly must let go of is that energy of the relationship, the stress that it was causing you, and whatever pain you felt while experiencing it. That is the actual disease we often carry with us, which if not released will become real. For me, I had to let go of the feeling of being manipulated by others, the feeling of panic when another controller starts messing with me,  the anger I feel when I notice someone else unjustly controlled, the powerlessness I feel when I sense my options are running out. Those feelings are the essence of the toxicity, and if you don’t release that essence of the relationship, you will drag it with you into every future relationship.

If you have ever wondered why relationships and circumstance keep repeating themselves, this is why. You have probably been dragging a lifetime of relationships behind you and laying them on the table of every new person in your life. Your baggage and their baggage combined are a chemical reaction that will just explode and spill toxic sludge all over the new situation. There is no fresh start, when you are still feeling old energies. There is nothing to do but to let go of your baggage.  If you don’t let it go, new relationships will be worse than the old ones. This is what it means to release karma- release the energy or the essence of the relationship, release the pain or the suffering, and thus you release the karmic tie.

This is why I never allow exes, old friends, old circumstances back into my life. If you allow an ex to remain as a friend, even if it is a good person, the energy of your relationship stays. Whatever wasn’t working in your relationship as lovers will fester now in your relationship as friends. Let them go.  Keeping a controlling ex in my life, only keeps me aware of being controlled, so I will always attract more situations like that. Let him loose!

Energy is more contagious than ebola. Long after the body is dead,  the virus lives and invades your future experiences. Rather than worry about the pain of letting go, understand that sometimes you must chop off a limb to survive. In my last relationship, I had to drink poison to kill the virus. It took more time to recover my Self from the energy drain than ever before. Just because I cut the person out of my life, didn’t mean that I was free. I was mentally stuck on every problem we created together. I knew if I don’t disconnect and let go of what killed that relationship, I was going to kill the next one with the same virus. Sometimes you have to burn the body to prevent the virus from spreading.

So, to let go easily, we have to let go of the actual experience of that relationship. Each experience is just an energy. The pain in your heart is an energy. You can soften your heart by focusing on love. If you can’t love your tormentor, love your pet instead. Direct your focus away from the painful situation, to anything that feels like love and your heart will soften. Direct your commitment to pain and suffering onto new experiences that feel like well-being like exercise, travel, meditation, whatever makes you happy. Commit to staying focused on the new, and turn your back on the past. The past never came back to anyone, so what is the value of turning back?

My usual practice is to start every new ending with a new beginning. I delete all physical evidence of the ex. I give away every gift, every article of clothing, every photo. You might think you would like to save the memory, but once that photo has been deleted, the essence of the person and the problem, goes away with it too. I guarantee you will never miss it, you simply expect to miss it.

Next, I block all energy portals between me and that person. Social media is an access point through which a pining lover can still send you energy. You might not think he or she is checking up on you, but any time we look at anyone’s profile, we send them energy. You know how his Like or careless comment on an old post triggers an emotion from you? That emotion is your energetic connection to him. It is alive and well, and if you are struggling to release old energies, you must block all windows to your soul. Again, the thought of doing that is more painful than the actual act.

Whatever was the essence of that relationship, you must not fester in it. If it is a repeating pattern for you, it continues because you have turned that repeating relationship issue into a lifestyle. By experiencing it over and over, you have become it, just as I had once become a victim of controllers. I was angry about being controlled all my life, until I forgave them and decided to not be focused on being a victim of control. I focused my attention on new and better things.

It is perfectly normal to mourn the loss of a relationship. Give yourself a little time, but make sure to set a deadline for ending the mourning period. When my father died, a Hindu pandit conducted the ceremony. He said that depending on a family’s caste, the family is allowed a specific mourning period. The highest castes are assumed to be the most enlightened or most experienced, therefore the shortest mourning time is allowed to them.  We had twelve days during which we were allowed privacy and encouraged to have solitude. During this time we were not to share our grief with people outside our home, to avoid spreading bad feelings and energies to others. We were allowed to talk about the deceased, but not in a negative way. Regardless of how I felt about my father, I was not going to spread my negative feelings to other family members. They had different experiences with him, and I respected that.

At the end of the twelve day period, we were to come out of mourning and stay committed only to good memories. The grief was to be replaced by healing. It worked. I allowed myself twelve days of rage, anger, and tears in private. I actually didn’t need the twelve days because on the first night after he passed, my dad was holding my hand and sending me loving energy. In that moment I understood the nature of our relationship and its purpose.

All those horribly painful experiences we had, we created them together. He wasn’t the only monster, we tormented each other- we were each others’ demons. But there was a purpose to this karmic tie. This man was my life’s lesson. Everything I am is because of him. I am resilience, I am a fighter, I am fearless because at a very young age I learned how to stand up to the strongest man I ever knew in my life. My biggest tormentor was my dad, and once I learned how to fight the world’s toughest man, and kill him with my words, I realized that no one can mess with me. After my dad, no one ever has succeeded in keeping me bound. I walk away easily from everything. He was my biggest lesson about letting go, and the day I walked away from him, I acquired my superpower. I owe everything to him.

All relationships are simply lessons. You can learn them or you can repeat them over and over again until you do learn them. If situations keep repeating it is because you haven’t learned your lesson. Want a better lover, a better job, a better life?  Learn to release your karmic ties, learn to let go of old beliefs, stale energies, and people who you think you need, but actually are keeping you stuck. It’s not that you can’t live without that old friend or family member, it is that you are not alive with them. The fear of loss is far greater than the actual loss. The release is the most empowering feeling of one’s life.

S

When your heart is in someone else’s plans, they perceive you as that missing piece of their puzzle. You are the solution to their years of searching. You are the key to their completion. They see you as the answer to their prayers, the end of their loneliness, the antidote to their misery. You become their goal. The one thing that must be attained, in order for them to feel sustained.

Society calls this love, but I don’t think it’s true. That cowboy who needs you to become a willing participant in his plan is just a wanter. He is hungry, and knows very well that an angel like you could make many men feel satisfied. If it was love, it would feel different. If it was true love, it would be mutual, if it was pure, there’d be no hunger to satisfy. You, the prize, is wanted by others, so to protect their prize, they must secure a deal. Every wanting human will use the best tools they have to secure you. Ugly old men use money, pretty women use looks, smart humans use their exceptional wits, the sly use their cunningness. Wanting humans manipulate, trade emotions, play mind games, run to make you chase them, disappear to create the illusion of being the wanted. There’s always a ploy, a dance, a mating game.

They teach us to play the game. There are rule books, experts on the subject, even courses you can take to learn how to outwit a shiny angel, stalk them, pounce, bring them down, bite into their neck and suffocate. Once the hunted stops twitching, it can’t run away, so the hungry feel secure. They call it love, and they insist its true. After all, they caught you, surrounded and captured you, they won the prize, and they earned the right to parade the trophy. They have validation, but do they have you?

They say time and attention are all it takes to capture an angel. But only the starving have time and attention galore. They have nothing else. It is the full people, the angels, the ones with a soul and a pulse who won’t trade their life for someone else. We are food for the starving.

So many times, my heart was part of someone else’s plans, and I too blind to see how neatly I fit into their future. They all love my mind, my depth, my soul, and they want a piece of it. As if it is possible to actually own it. As if it is possible for my life to be theirs. They just want to be the possessors of something shinier than the other cowboys can wrestle down to the ground. A bigger prize. Only the biggest prize will prove the dimwitted cowboy is a man.

How many times have I escaped the grip of a starving cowboy? I’ve lost count. How many times have I wished for an angel, fallen for an illusion, only to find I’ve been captured and put on display for other cowboys to see.? Somehow I manage to escape, but It always ends the same.

I’d rather love a dog, than its master. A dog has a soul, the master just feeds off the creature’s undying love and attention. The master can only provide food and basic sustenance to keep it alive. The dog can’t go anywhere. There’s a chain around its neck. They admire its loyalty. They call that love too.

Are there others out there who know how to love? I’m sure. But right now I’m tired, and I need to rest. A empty cowboy tapped into my soul and drained it again. I’m weak and I need to retreat. Only solitude, nature and silence can restore me. Out there in the wilderness, where no one dares to fall asleep is where I find peace. Trees talk, water calms me, and the wild beasts protect me.

By now I have so many scars on my face I no longer look like much of an angel. In front of most cowboys, I refuse to glow. I turn my light switch off, so they can’t see me. I’d rather they think I’m an empty vessel than a warm blooded human. I study people for a long time before I show who I am. Unless they have a soul too, they are not worth standing next to. Dimwitted cowboys, starving cowgirls, the hungry, the zombies, the soulless. Everyone’s the same.

S

Have you ever been frustrated trying to explain to a person why you are not interested in them, or why they just don’t do it for you?  Have you been irritated by someone who cannot intuitively tell there is no mutual attraction, because they are overfocused on facts like: they are interested, they are qualified, they are eligible therefore they are owed a chance past the qualifying round? Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who is so goal oriented, that the relationship meets their agenda, and you feel like they are checking off relationship milestones off a progress report?

We met each others’ friends, we were photographed together, both of us posted pics of “us” online, so Yay! We are now a We! One person is beaming with the feeling of accomplishment, while the other is wondering “How did I become a we?” I was nice, invited them out, smiled for the camera, and somehow that earned me a we status.  Ugh. This feels so uncomfortable. How do I back out of this?

We’ve all seen the photos, one is beaming with pride, they actually have a person, while the other is looking a bit stiff, uncomfortable, wondering “who might misinterpret this photo, and get the wrong idea”?  One person is counting the days until they see the other change their relationship status to something that will make them feel validated, while the other is avoiding social media, acting too aloof to notice the expectation. Been there, done that some many times, that I’ve reached the point of never having my photo taken with anyone, other than a group of friends.

As I listen to friends complain about this emotional mismatch, and their frustration trying to explain to people that just because I check off all the items on your relationship list doesn’t mean I have to be interested, I see there is a huge gap in how people relate to others and how they perceive relationships. For some, a relationship is an exchange of words, agreement, commitment, building of a foundation, while for others, it is a feeling. Some people want to make a relationship, while others feel their way, and gravitate towards others.  I tend to gravitate towards people who feel awesome to me, so no matter how great a nice guy is, there is nothing he can do to demonstrate he is the one. As long as I am floating elsewhere, he is not the one.

A lot of my closest friends are intuitive, therefore will not be convinced when someone is trying to make their case for a relationship. Words don’t work, and no matter how much evidence you provide to make your case, I will still ignore it to follow my bliss. I happen to be a highly logical person, so evidence and facts turn me on in business, debate, math and science. But, in relationships, there is no logic. No one has ever managed to talk me into one. Either I am very attracted, or I am not. There is nothing anyone can do to change that.

I observed that there are two types of people with drastically different approaches to relating to others. I call them the transactional daters vs. intuitive relaters. For best results, the two should never mix. When they try, it is always an explosive argument where one is trying to beat a dead horse trying to convince the other why it should be a relationship, while the other is trying to explain “you don’t feel like my person”.

He:    How do you know?

Me:    I am not sparkling when I’m with you.

He:    But I can make you sparkle? Give me a chance!

Me:    I can’t. You don’t feel right.

He:    WTF, I got what it takes! I have a job, I have hair, I have a luxury car, and assets.

Me:    But, I don’t need those things. I just want a person who matches my shine.

It is a waste of time trying to explain to a cardboard cutout, that his eyes will never shine enough.  But the good news for him is that the world is full women who aren’t looking for sparkle nor shine. Armed with checklists, agendas, and solid credentials, they totally qualify for others who meet their requirements in terms of seriousness, willingness, and commitment to making something happen.

It’s quite amusing to watch two drastically different people try to relate to each other. It’s like an Excel spreadsheet is trying to work with Photoshop, and no matter how elaborate or impressive the equation, Photoshop will still insist it isn’t pretty enough.

Transactional daters tend to barter feelings for actions and vice versa. They are always looking to quantify a relationship. They are constantly asking “Where is this relationship leading to? What does this mean? What is our current status? What is the goal? They expect to put in effort, hard work, and to demonstrate their intentions in exchange for proof that they are on the right track. “We have been committed to each other for a year, so I have now earned a ring”. They put in the effort, so they are owed a reward. When their effort doesn’t pay off, when there is no return on investment, they have been cheated. They gave X, the other person gave X-Y, and now they are owed the difference. They also perceive dating more traditionally, they follow relationship scripts to a tee, to ensure they are qualifying on all counts, and constantly checking if they missed something. When their partner has the flu, they show up with chicken soup and the meds because that’s what a good partner is expected to do.

Intuitive relaters believe in chemistry, attraction, magnetism, and tend to feel people out. I am more likely to ponder How did I feel talking to him? Did I laugh when I was with him? Did it feel easy? Did he get my stupid joke? He smells like mine, I think he’s for me. He could be an acrobat or a lion tamer, a devil or a complete lunatic, I don’t care. If he is beaming as much as I am, he is for me. Intuitives aren’t looking for a love that can be quantified, they are looking to match on feelings, fun, excitement, nerdiness, dorkiness, laughter and mind-bogglingness.

Once, I failed to provide the expected flu meds to an ailing ex, and I got an earful. I went out while he was sniffly, came home with a pocketful of stolen party hors d’oeuvres, and the sicko was not pleased. I’m not sure what I was guilty of, but there were expectations and I did not meet them.  I tried to compensate with my homemade Ayrvedic herbal concoction guaranteed to unclog the stuffiest nose, but he would not have it. I failed to act like a proper girlfriend while he was suffering, and my attempt at showering him with a pocket full of buffet nibbles plus a hundred kisses fell short. Afterwards, during my post sickness evaluation period, I was given a list of expectations that I failed to meet which was proof to him that I did not love him.

So I said:  “Okay, since I don’t love you the way you expect to be loved, and am pretty sure I’ll never be able to fill you up with the quantity of love you require, let’s break up.” I really meant it.

“No” he said  “I don’t want to break up, I want you to try harder”.

Me:  “I can’t try harder. This is who I am. This is who I always be. If this isn’t enough for you, then you owe it to yourself to find someone who will coddle you more”.

He:   “No. You are perfect. I will lower my expectations”.

The following week, his expectations plummeted, and he was thrilled, because with low expectations, now I was exceeding them. To transactional people, exceeding expectations means: We are headed down that road toward co-habitating bliss.  They perceive everything like an If/Then equation, which is a geometric proof, or inductive reasoning based on examples and on data from previous or similar relationship events. An If/Then equation works like this: If she exceeds my expectations, she must really love me, then we will take the next step and move in together.

Imagine my surprise, when next week he showed up with three even stacks of shirts, pants and underwear to store in my closet. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t quite understand where he was going with this. The following week, there were cosmetics, accessories and leisurewear parked in my closet. Now, I was getting concerned. There was a giant motorcycle competing for space in my cramped parking spot, my walk-in closet was no longer walkable, and he was talking about weddings in the Caribbean, where they are much more casual and affordable. Hmmm?

Baby, what’s happening in your brain? Are you adding things up in your Excel spreadsheet, that I am not picking up? This doesn’t feel sparkly to me.

Two people with drastically different brains trying to make sense of a relationship. To him, it was all starting to add up to a marriage, to me that sparkly feeling was fading, my light was getting more dim, because I didn’t understand why I love him, but feel like the world is flat.  Here, most relationship experts would urge you to improve your  communication skills, go over expectations and deliverables, evaluate if you’re still on the same relationship page. I’m no good at talking, I’m better at smelling whether it’s a flower or a rat.

My flower was starting to wilt, and having picked dozens of them, I understood there is nothing I can do to revive a flower that was already losing its petals. I could water it, talk to it, give it more sunshine, but it no longer smelled intoxicating. In fact, I was starting to see the other side of this relationship, the equation. He had goals for me, goals I wasn’t aware of. I was just thrilled to be with him, but he had relationship milestones, check lists, and a clipboard full of To-do lists, and items to verify.

Where do I fit in? Item #1, Identify proper girlfriend. Item #2. Assess qualifications. Item #3. Perform Cost-Benefit Analysis. Pass. I was in love with a cardboard cutout. The beautiful person was there, the hugs were warm, there was a ton of affection, so much that I was wondering if this human was real or just an illusion. The heart was ticking, there was a pulse, he made beautiful smiles, but he did not produce authentic feelings. He did everything right, never messed up once. But he had no sparkle, and he carried a clipboard. On it were lists of relationship statuses accomplished, and things yet to do. And suddenly, I had no interest in doing any of them. He did everything right as a boyfriend, the flowers, the romantic dinners, the adventures, fixing my broken cabinets, the daily calls, all the right words, the good-nights. But the feeling was hollow. A beautiful human, making all the right gestures, laying a solid foundation with bricks, to build a fortress.

Where was the love?  He said he loved me a thousand times, but what he was loving was how well I fit his equation. I was a perfect match, therefore I was love to him. I met all his needs, checked off all his boxes, therefore no other woman scored higher than me. I was an A+ in his book, a solid Yes, therefore I was The One.

But when a person is adding line items in a spreadsheet, there will always be people who score higher. Someone will always be more agreeable, more compromising, more giving, more productive than me. When someone else scores higher to a transactional dater, will that person then be The One?

Transactional people are always measuring, calculating, projecting, moving toward a goal. Intuitive people like me, refuse to be anyone’s goal, and if you mark me as your target, I will move out of the way to make sure you miss. I don’t want to be gotten, I don’t want to be acquired, and how dare you think you have the right to score. When I sense that I am someone’s relationship target, and I use senses most humans aren’t even aware of, I dim my light so they cannot see me. I tune out, avert eye-contact, turn into a grey-rock, make myself uninteresting. They will go away sooner or later, or just plain give up.

Unfortunately, to most transactionists, this is a clear signal to try even harder. Something has gone wrong, their target has moved, and now they must reassess and reposition, and try even harder. No. No matter what you do, I will still not be your target. If you see me as your prize, the answer is already no.

Transactional people perceive relationships as a goal, something to strive for, achieved, worked hard for, negotiated, and finally bound by a contract. Intuitive people feel various shades of love. Some people’s love is dimmer than others’. Some loves feel heavy, burdensome, slow, while others are light, passionate, electric. Guess where I want to be?

Transactional people fantasize about unconditional love, yet will spell out for you all the conditions you must meet for them to give you love. You must be loyal, timely, committed, and demonstrate determination, compromise, and be willing to put up with their stuff , otherwise called “supporting”. If you walk away from a transactional dater, you are an asshole or a bitch, because they have pre-calculated how much they have put into a relationship, and if you fail to provide ROI, you have somehow cheated them out of their dream.

Intuitive people are can be more unconditional. No matter what you do, no matter where you are, no matter how much you change, and no matter how little you care, and unconditional person will love you anyway. Like a dog, they will give you endless love, regardless of whether you have gone on vacation for 2 weeks. They will give you just as much positive energy, and they tend to not be punishing. You are either with them or you are not.  Unconditional people don’t play games. They don’t have to test their partner to see if he or she will disappoint them.

Tell a transactional person, I cannot marry you, and they will kill you with words. What do you mean, you owe me. I did this, this, and that for you. I suffered for you for a year. Tell an unconditional person, I cannot marry you, they’ll say Okay, I will love you anyway. And if you fall in love with someone else, that unconditional lover will love you so much that they will want the best for you, even if you didn’t choose them.

There is nothing that a transactional person can do to win the heart of an intuitive person. Intuitives will feel you out, and want you only if you feel as good as they do. Two people who have genuine chemistry are like an electric spark, the relationship is ON. As hard as they might try, there is nothing that a transactional person can do to turn the other on. They can list all their positive qualities in one column, and match them up to the qualities of the other, but they can never explain why the other person refuses to add up, or give them a relationship.

I met a nice transactional guy back in October. I gave him a pleasant conversation, and he got all excited. I was being nice, and all I wanted was some good conversation, nothing more. When he contacted me I said I wasn’t interested. Let’s be friends. He agreed, but then kept amping up his effort, upgrading the wine, increasing the value of his offers, trying harder, getting more creative, and we are now in April, and he still doesn’t understand that we are always going to be just friends. He is ignoring my words, because some dating manual told him that women want you to try harder, and that if you slay enough dragons, eventually she will see that you are a real prince, a real man, and you will win her over.  All I know is that his light is dim, and he does not look or feel like my person. Recently when he found out that I went to a foreign movie screening with friends, he bought a book about Italian filmmakers, read it from cover to cover, and tried to impress me with the word Fellini.

Why do transactional people increase the effort when intuitive people fly away? I’ll never know, and am not trying to figure it out. But it is too much effort, best directed toward other transactional daters. Do I want effort? Sure, but only from that one man who is intoxicating and sparkly. I can’t explain it. No amount of effort will make me see you. I will notice the effort, but not the person.

Transactional people pain me, as I am sure I frustrate them. I simply do not want to be in their equation, and no matter how hard they try to win me over, I am always floating toward a shinier object. That is our nature. It is pointless to try to understand us, we are different programs.  One is an  .xls, the other a .psd format. We will never get each other.

S

Everybody is starving for relationships, or so it seems. Turn on your social media feed, and you’ll be bombarded by a hundred desperate posts about why the world today is so bad because good people can’t find a partner. ‘There must be something wrong with the world, if it is failing to provide me with a relationship.  Men are awful because they won’t stay committed. Women are awful because now that have more choices, they refuse to settle for me. Nobody wants to settle down any more”. And so it goes.

A couple of months ago I was talking to a male friend, who expressed the same sentiment. He is probably one of the most amazing men I know, inside an out. If I tried to fix him up with someone, I would be reserved, because I wouldn’t want him to settle for anyone other than the most amazing woman I know. I think so highly of him, that I couldn’t bear seeing him with average.

This is a friend who has come far in life. He has worked hard to create a beautiful life for himself, spent decades evolving, growing, crashing, learning to walk again, and rising higher than ever. This is also one of the most authentic people I know. Though he is giving and generous, he is very respectful of his time, and won’t give it to anyone who drains him. He is extremely caring, open, wears his heart on his sleeve, and in terms of energy, he has more light than anyone I know. That makes him a magnet for people. All people, high and low are attracted to shiny objects, and he has so much positive energy that people compete to be in his company. So, like all of us he has had multiple relationships where he felt derailed, unfulfilled, lacking, and often drained. If a relationship partner is not enough to him or herself, he or she will be a negative drain on the healthier person. How much can a healthy person support and give to the unfulfilled one?

And thus, he has experienced dozens of unhealthy, sub-optimal relationships and experiences with partners who very much needed to be with him, but could not measure up on their own level of self-development. And when one person is unfulfilled, lacks an identity, or a purpose, they will often try to get that from the more complete partner. And thus the mind games begin, the emotional manipulation, the drama. A well meaning partner could destroy the entire relationship by viewing the other as their source of happiness or completion.

We all know the emotional and mental toll of being in an unequal or unfulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, the love industry tells us that it is proper to invest ourselves, work hard to maintain a balance between two emotionally unequal partners, give, build, toil, compromise, cut yourself down to their size, adjust, stand on our heads to make them happy, because according to love experts, that is what true love is. But relationships like that can make us sick. Been there, done that, so, no thanks.

I have been in relationships with angels, the sweetest most affectionate ones, and walked away feeling drained of my own soul. The process to recover your own soul, from the one who fed off it for some time is a long and painful one. How do you ask for your soul back, when the other gets their entire emotional and energetic wellbeing from it? Try to get it back, and they will fight you for it. Try to break up with a lover whose self is a mere reflection of you and they will strike back with a vengeance. They won’t go away until you promise to give them more you. While you are distancing yourself to survive, they are fighting back because they can’t exist without your energy.

So, be careful who you sleep with, be careful who you are in a relationship with, and be careful who you give your energy to, because there are unhealthy consequences to being with someone who hasn’t achieved their own optimal experience.

This brings me back to my friend, and my own circle of friends who are absolutely loving, kind, giving, and complete. When I look at the shiniest most sparkly people I know, I see that they are also the ones who are unwilling to compromise themselves and their souls to be in relationships. That compromise could be deadly, and giving one’s time and personal space to the unworthy can be a toxic and sickening experience. It just isn’t worth it.

Looking at all the relationships I have been in, and all the relationships my more enlightened friends have had, I see now why we cannot afford to compromise to be in a relationship. We all have achieved completion, through a hard process of self-development. How can we hand ourselves over to just anyone who demands to be with us?  They may be well-intentioned, but being with anyone who has not found a self, who cannot relate to the process is mind numbing for some, and absolutely deadly for others.

But I also see that we have been sold a load of bullshit by the relationship industry, and experts in psychology. We are told that relationships are supposed to be an investment into the other person, and I strongly disagree. We are told that all that work, toil and compromise are good for the marriage, and I say that if a relationship feels like a drain, get as far away from it. Pretty soon that work will turn into a commitment of you giving yourself to a lost cause. That commitment will lead to a legal contract, to a lifetime of drudgery, when you suspected all along that love is supposed to feel different than this.

What should love be like? Love should feel like bliss, not an investment. Love should feel equal in attention, admiration, happiness, mutual respect, satisfaction. Love should light us up, not dim our glow. Love should be an optimal life experience. But how can it be that?

To live life optimally, each person must be in a state of completion. Of course, life is a process and no matter the situation, we are always expanding from it. But, each individual must reach that state. It happens at different rates for all of us. It happens through a variety of life’s experiences, embracing painful change, crashing and burning multiple times, willingness to be vulnerable and accept the inevitable pain that comes with it. It comes from facing one’s inner demons and making friends with them. It is in the knowingness of who you are as a person, flaws and all. It is in the acceptance that if this is all there is, then this is perfect, and admiring that perfection no matter what it looks like. Have you reached that state of inner knowingness, self-admiration, self-love?

It’s a tall order, and it takes a lifetime. And so my friend who is complete, and stands confidently in a place of self-appreciation feels that relationships with incomplete people are dissatisfying. I agree. Relating to people who have no inner-knowing is like relating to a cardboard cutout. He or she will never be enough.

So, looking at the most complete people I know, I see that people come easily into our lives. There is no shortage of people who want our company. But, there is a certain self awareness that makes us notice when the one standing in front of us is less than we are. This observation is not egotistical at all. It simply is an awareness of how other people’s energy and beingness relates to mine, and whether an interaction would awesome.

Love should never feel like an obligation, it should feel free. Whether you believe in commitment and marriage is besides the point. Do it if you are with a person who fills blissful to you, don’t do it if one can’t live without the other, that’s a sign that one’s being is feeding off the other. A relationship like that will never be fulfilling for both, one will always be giving, while the other taking. I think it was Buddha who said that we should love in such a way, so the other person should feel free. Never seek to capture a person, and tie him down to you. Would you tie a dog in chains, or trap a bird in a cage? We all know how cruel that is, so why do we do it to people we claim to love?

There are many levels of relationships for people at different levels of completion. Some will never understand what living optimally is, nor will they ever seek that experience. Traditional lifestyles where they relate to each other on the basis of who can trade what to whom may satisfy them.

But pure love, the kind that complete people enjoy is never a trap. And so my friend who has spent much of his life in a state of love, is always satisfied regardless of who is with him. I am certain that one day he too will meet a person with an equal radiance to his. Optimal love feels like a union between a drop of water and the sea, a speck of glow reuniting with the entire sun. It is bliss because neither partner takes anything away from the other, two equals are in union where they belong. At that point, there is nothing to negotiate.  Those mundane aspects of a relationships; where should we live, what should we buy, how will we relate, are absolutely meaningless. Almost laughable. When light joins light, there is nothing but light. What else could possibly matter?

Seek light, be love, live optimally, and own every moment. It is yours. The person who reflects as much love as you have, is the one for you. That other person you feel obligated to, let them figure it out for themselves.

S

This discussion started among the Goddesses in the private forum, and quickly turned into a heated debate.  One of us shared a news article about a woman who divorced a man who didn’t disclose to her he was impotent, then suffered through years of shaming and bullying by his family to remain silent on the issue to spare him the embarrassment.  Another woman shared an opinion post about how women often submit to sex with a highly unattractive men for fear of negative repercussions of backing out. Sometimes it’s just easier to grin and bear it, than make a last minute escape.

This is something that has been on my mind for years. When a man is sexually dissatisfied he is perfectly entitled to find pleasure elsewhere. Not only will he seek it, he will make sure everyone is aware of his sexual conquest. Everyone must know that in demanding satisfaction, (no matter what the emotional pain is to his partner), he has just ordained himself a real man.

But what about the women? Are we allowed to voice our dissatisfaction? More often than not, the women stay silent. They might confide in a friend, they might seek therapy discretely, they might cry about it for years, but as soon as she tries to talk about it she is urged to stay quiet for a multitude of idiotic reasons: the marriage or relationship is more important than sex, there are other ways she could please herself, true love is not about sex, and the all too prevalent one, never hurt a man’s ego. In fact, most women are afraid of just that, his ego.

I know very well what happens when a man’s ego is bruised. I have done it all too many times, in the workplace, in my home, with platonic friends, and exes. Sometimes the consequences of bruising a man’s ego are mild, sometimes they are silent and deadly, and other times they are irreversible.  Each time I spoke up against some injustice, exposed a coward, demanded fairness or proved him wrong there were consequences to my paycheck, my reputation, my job security. Not one time did my words go unpunished.

But most women are very familiar, some even experts on the subject of making a male feel like a man, even when he doesn’t have an inch of manhood to speak of. In fact most women are very adept at pushing his needs and satisfaction forward, while accepting mediocre sex, and ignoring his ineptitude as something that is just plain normal.

For how many centuries were women instructed that true love is not about sex, and to keep a man happy, she must forego her own needs? As I chat with older men and women, I am shocked that both sides agree that this is normal and how a man should be treated. The older a woman is, the greater the likelihood that she has been faking it since 1969, and the older a man is, the greater the likelihood that he feels entitled to the illusion. I have a lot of foreign friends who simply believe that verbally expressing sexual dissatisfaction, or asking for better sex is something only horrible women do.

Aside from bad relationship sex which comes with its own consequences, there is bad casual sex, which is probably even worse. Imagine discovering for the first time that the guy is too small. What do most women do? Most women are taught that once he is turned on, or his clothes are off, it is too late to back out. There are serious consequences to that. But what if what she sees is a total turn-off for her?  What is the appropriate way for a woman to back out of this situation and still preserve her dignity?

At this point most people would blame the woman for being in this situation in the first place. Obviously, she is at fault for not taking more time before sex, leading a guy on, manipulating him in some way, and of course they think she is at fault if she backs out of it. Most women chose the less consequential option, and just close their eyes. At the end, he congratulates himself on a job well done, while her stomach turns.

I swore many years ago that I would never be in a sexually dissatisfying relationship again. I’d rather be single, than fake attraction to a man who can’t do anything for me. I have learned that there are consequences to not speaking up: emotional numbness, resentment, sexual frustration, but most of all, this kind of relationship does not honor me. I refuse to be there. I know many women suffering in silence, and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

Here are some common consequences to voicing dissatisfaction to an insecure man:

• Violence, rage, conflict. We all know most women are just plain scared of it, and will do anything to avoid it.
• Accusations like: “It’s not me, you are just frigid”. Deflecting blame and not accepting any responsibility for his performance, then convincing her it is her fault.
• False rumors and fictitious stories are enough to scare a lot of women into silence.

This last example is all too common. I hear the stories on a regular basis. He was too unattractive for her to sleep with, he took her rejection like a gentleman, then offered her a ride home. The next day there are stories about her, and for some reason her colleagues believe she hooked up with a 300 pounder whom even a prostitute would reject. Everyone saw the nice guy offer her a ride, and everyone saw her get into his car, therefore his story must be true. This is how most women get bullied into silence. If this has ever happened to you, you know exactly how revolting this is. The men take it as a joke, nothing really happened, so what are you complaining about? The woman would rather face a firing squad that look the repulsive looser in the eye.

What’s truly unfortunate is that most men are overly confident about their sexual prowess. There are decent men out there who want to be better lovers, but they’ll never learn because women keep faking it. And there are douche-bags out there who give themselves an A+  for their 4” dick and post photos of every conquest online. How many women could be spared the horror of seeing him naked, if we only talked about it? Men are perfectly comfortable comparing our bra sizes in public, so why can’t they take the same dose of reality?

In my experience, the more boastful a man is about his masculinity, the more he is compensating for. This observation proves true each and every time. That guy, who refers to himself as a real man, pounds his chest and grunts like a gorilla, the one listing all his conquests, whose stories always conclude with him being the winner of a failed relationship, is the one who is overcompensating for something. He is publically patting himself on the back, acting like the man, while she is in silence, hoping he will lose her number sooner rather than later.

The best men I have ever met are the ones who have nothing to prove. Yes, that shy silent one who doesn’t assume he is a gift from god, that guy who politely asks for permission to take you on a date and actually makes an effort is the one who will be the most attentive in bed. The one who isn’t flashing a gold Rolex, the fancy sports car, or telling stories of dating super models, is the one who will assume that you are pleased or tell you to deal with it when you’re not.

But, so many males are confused about why they can’t find a partner. I remained friends with a guy who just couldn’t satisfy me in bed for a few months after the breakup. And I still could not tell him the real reason I had to let him go. Instead, I made up some lame excuse about other responsibilities, work, bullshit.  Yes, he had other talents, most small guys have a menu of alternatives. But none of them worked. Yes, I could see he was trying to please me, which made him a really nice guy. And yes he was ready to commit way too soon. But there was absolutely nothing he could do for me, and this guy was totally unaware of how he stacked up compared to other men. He continued to pursue many women, and most would leave after that first interlude. I felt bad about him for years, but I could not bring myself to tell him the truth.

But the fact is that had he known what his actual problem was, he could have had a better estimation of what he could do for women. This was a very handsome, smart man, who like most guys who keep failing at the dating game developed some bad conclusions about women. He thought all women were just using him for sex, when in fact each would leave after the first experience. So, he started boasting about his conquests, even started cheating to be more of a man, making him less attractive to women who would have been willing to overlook his problem. Men get hurt just as much when they are not told the truth.

It isn’t fair. Women’s bodies are judged openly and it is normal to be rejected for being too fat, too skinny, no curves. But when men are unattractive, too small, or just plain repulsive, they are not allowed to know about it. And if we try to communicate it, most men refuse to believe it. Narcissism is all to prevalent among men, and many feel they are entitled to women who don’t find them attractive. One even asked me “Why do you need to be attracted to me?”

Perhaps, this call to be more open and honest with men about our sexual dissatisfaction could be the perfect screen to see whether a man is datable. It’s amazing what we can see in a person if we are willing to be objective and simply observe. Just by listening to him talk, you can hear if he is boasting, exaggerating, over-compensating. How does he truly feel about his ex? Does he proclaim himself to be the winner of that breakup? How does he handle even a hint of dissatisfaction from a woman? Does he think all women are bitches, whores, or out to get him? Trust me, how he sees women tells you exactly who you are dealing with. You don’t need to get to the bedroom to find out who he truly is.

Men are insecure, just like we are. Why give them credit for their manhood before they have actually proven it? Why treat him like a man, when no woman would agree? His exes aren’t crazy, and they’re not all out to get him, chances are most would rather forget about him. We give men way too much credit than most of them are worth.

There are very few men who can have this conversation without getting angry. The few who can, are the healthy men. They deserve applause for being able to approach the subject rationally. They ones who are interested in learning what they can do better are the ones we should treat like real men. They deserve the honor.

Times are changing and tables are slowly turning. I love how our generation has been willing to talk about all those subjects previous generations wouldn’t speak of. We have confronted every taboo topic, exposed it for what it truly is, and of course there are people who cannot handle it. But change is happening anyway, and it will work in the favor of the younger generation, like it or not. The more we talk about those subjects we swept under the carpet, the more likely we are to benefit from the outcomes.

By now I have been called all kinds of things. Where I used to cringe, cry and beat myself up for feeling their judgment, I now stand proudly confident in my own words. Each an every time I have faced a screaming, angry, threatening man, I learned that he is acting up because he can’t handle the truth. My words have hit a nerve, and he is reacting in rage.  I let them stand there in their rage. I’d rather other women see for themselves how easy it is to expose a coward, and how much more power they have when they speak their truth.

No I don’t beat up men, judge them, nor shame them. Men are humans too, and most are looking for exactly the same things we are. Love, trust, honesty. But, when an emotionally unstable man tries to prove his masculinity at my expense, I don’t accept that, and I don’t let him get away with that. I know that the only way to prevent a false story, or bullying is to not pretend he is more of a man than he actually is. If you give a bully credit for his power, you empower him ever more. Expose him discreetly, and he wouldn’t bully anyone else. He’ll go crouch in the corner with his tail between his legs. But he won’t risk being exposed.

S

You are in my friend zone, because you are not sleepable. Yes, I know, I am in your friend zone, because you think I’m sleepable. Maybe you have a girlfriend right now, maybe you are soon to be divorced, but you think if we are hanging, I could be yours in the future. No. I hang out with you, because I see you as a friend. Just a friend.

I have never been interested in dating in my friend zone. In fact, the friend zone is for all those nice guys who 1) I have had a professional relationship with, and they are interesting enough to keep in my network 2) people I have been genuine friends with for a long time, 3) non-creepy men who are in my social circle, and above all 4) not attractive enough to hook up with and 5) not desirable enough to have a relationship with. If you are a nice guy, or if we share an intellectual interest, you are in my friend zone. Why? I like your mind, or I like your personality, I may even like your heart, but I have no interest in anything beyond a platonic connection. As cold as it sounds, you are in my friend zone because you are a No.

Guys always ask me, how do I get out of your friend zone? You don’t. You can stop being my friend, and I’ll always be okay with that, but there is nothing you can do to make yourself sleepable. If you distance yourself, hoping I will somehow find you more attractive outside the friend zone, you are being illogical. If you aren’t attractive here, why would you be more attractive way over there?

It happens often, and it is irritating to most women I know. That guy who has always been a friend is suddenly available, and he thinks his female friends want to be asked out on a date. But how do you think this looks from a woman’s perspective?  You have been posing as a genuine friend for years because you thought you’d have a chance some day, but that makes you a fake friend. How do you think it feels to find out that the nice guy you have been sharing all your personal info with, has only been there for you all these years because he had ulterior motives? Was that a true friend?

In the last six weeks, this has happened to me three times. I am not upset to be losing a friend. By now, this has happened so many times, that I won’t shed a tear. In fact, I feel sorry for the guy. Each friend of many years, started dialing his contacts within hours after his breakup. Pathetic, to be calling his friends to see if they would be interested in dating them.

If I think a man is sleepable, or datable, or worthy of a relationship, the last thing I would do is call him a friend, hang out in ambiguity to see what happens, go on group dates, talk business, or ignore his IMs, There would be only one way to start anything, and that is on a clearly defined date.

A clearly defined date is one where one person asks the other person on a D.A.T.E. not an invitation to hang out sometime. If I sense we are hanging, you’re in the friend zone. If the invitation is ambiguous, it is not a date. If you invite me out to talk about potential business, and I actually showed up, it is because I am interested in business, not dating you.  Regardless of what your intentions are, if you don’t have the balls to ask me out on an actual date, nor the balls to take rejection, it is not a date. I might suspect you are trying something, but I will not qualify it as a date.

Over the years, I have found myself in many sickening situations that in no way qualified as a date. Most women I know have been in bad situations where she thinks it is a job interview or a business lunch, only to find out he has ulterior motives. Or that old college buddy you have too many drinks with, and after ten years of friendship he decides he is going to take his chances. Gross. Or the friend’s ex, who thinks that now he lost one woman, he can date her friends.

There is nothing worse than thinking you have a friend, only to find out that he is no friend at all. It dishonors our friendship, and reeks of desperation. Over the years a few of my closest male friends had developed feelings for me. Those friendships ended quickly, and not one of those guys won me over. Many of them were friends while I was in other romantic relationships, and were simply waiting for me to be free.

If a man is attractive both physically and intellectually, if I feel genuine chemistry and attraction, the last thing I would do is put him in the friend zone. He may be unavailable, he may be unattainable, he may even be impossible, and I am okay with admiring him from afar or never having him at all. It really doesn’t matter if I think of him as a hookup, a relationship, or marriage material, if he is attractive enough for me to want to date, I’ll make sure there’s no confusion.

I recently took an informal poll on the Goddesses private forum. Only 1 out of 19 women who responded said she would be open to dating a man who previously dated one of her friends. Personally, I wouldn’t touch him. Unless of course he was drop dead gorgeous, young and hot, in which case I’d make sure I am never seen in public with him J

The same goes for dating a close friend. Most women have that guy friend they tell everything to. That friend she goes to when she needs a male perspective on a relationship, the guy she shares all those strories she wouldn’t dare share with anyone else. Yes, that nice guy with a huge heart, is the one she’d like to fix up with a nice girl. He would be a great catch, but not for her.  If you are that guy, we truly appreciate your friendship, but if you want more we will never be able to give it to you. It must be a painful position to be in, but you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from it.

All joking aside, accidents and hookups happen. But do you really want to be that person waiting and hoping that one day your friend will see you as anything other than a friend?  Personally, I’d rather know clearly where I stand with someone, even if I have to accept rejection. Ambiguity is torture for both parties and almost always leads to confusion and crossed signals.

But there is a logical reason for the friend zone. It means I see you as a friend. It means, you are in the safe zone where I don’t have to worry that you will try anything, and we can hang out, talk, build a genuine friendship with no ulterior motives. Who is in my friend zone? Every nice guy I know whom I don’t feel attracted to. You can stop being my friend, but my disinterest will never change. Like Seinfeld said, 99.9% people on this planet are unsleepable. I have never hooked up with someone I don’t find attractive, so this isn’t something you earn by patiently waiting in the friend zone.

Respect the friend zone.

S

Being a Goddess is costly. The higher she rises, the more respect a Goddess commands, the more uncomfortable some people are around her.  An interesting observation is that my most Goddesslike friends, are the women who totally rule, speak their mind freely, unapologetically, and make no excuses for themselves. These women are the most highly criticized, talked about, rumors are flying everywhere, but when you get to know the actual woman, she is deeply loving, caring, fair, and just. What is it about them that makes some people uncomfortable? It’s not just that some are uncomfortable, I have seen men and women combust in rage, when her light exposes their darkness.

Men know instinctively, she is not to be messed with, and they also know instinctively whether they measure up. That causes some to push her buttons, test her boundaries, play games, just to test if she really is all that. Healthy men see her as an equal whether she dates them or not.  They can respect her as a friend, a co-worker, and can be open and vulnerable with her. They know she doesn’t play games, mess with their emotions, and their feelings are always safe with her.  Unhealthy men, will see if they can break her down, and when they can’t, they project their own insecurities onto her.

Women too are afraid because they see how easily she commands respect from their men. Most women are uncomfortable when the man they are fighting so hard for, bows easily to another woman. The more comfortable the Goddess is with her place, the less she gives a damn what people say. And one thing is for sure, where there is a Goddess, there are disgruntled, insecure, self-righteous critics around her.

It was obvious from the start that a lot of people had a problems with what I was saying about women, relationships, sex, dating and careers from the start. I found my power at a young age, and it always worked for me. The more comfortable I felt in my own skin, and spoke up, the more people had something to say about me, and it wasn’t always flattering.

It was also obvious that my words truly resonated with some, gave them a fresh perspective, and liberated a lot of men and women from relationship rules, traditional gender roles, and freed them from constrictive expectations. My first critics were women, my first fans and supporters were men. What I was suggesting was that women should find their personal power, approach relationships from a place of self-respect and personal pride, and disengage from men who don’t respect them. Rather than wage wars to snag a husband or strive to please a man, why not invest in herself and build some self-esteem instead?

Despite the snickers from a lot of female friends, guess who they came to when they needed a shoulder to cry on? My practical advice worked for many women, not because I believed in playing tricks to get men to respond like a trained dog, but because I understand men as humans who have the same emotional needs as we do. If you can’t approach a relationship with complete respect for the human you are dealing with, and allow him the same consideration you want for yourself, then the problem is you, not him.

I have always had a ton of attention from men, some wanted, but mostly unwanted. For me, men come in two categories, respectful and deeply insecure. Sure, I fascinate a lot of them without even trying. But every man sees me as a shiny object, something to attained, possessed then paraded around town like a trophy, so I say No to most of them. When they are respectful, healthy, self-aware, they are okay with it, and we develop a good friendship. When they can’t handle the rejection, they fabricate fiction with only one kind of conclusion: they are the victor, the real man, too much of a man for me to handle, and I, some four letter word from the back of the dictionary.

As I meet more and more Goddesses from our private network, I see that the more strong and unapologetic they are, the more likely they are to be under attack. There are stories and rumors about all of us. Somehow we manage to steal men who we aren’t even trying to get, and bruise egos of guys who take rejection as an opportunity to show who’s the man. The less we engage with drama, attention-seekers, and cat-fights, and the more we become comfortable speaking our truth, the more respect we get from our equals. Some people have a problem with that.

Inadvertently I get a lot of respect from men females are competing for. I view them as a platonic friend, nothing more, someone to exchange ideas with. Most of them like the way I think, and whether they agree or disagree, they like the fact that I always stand my ground, back up my ideas with facts, and never bend my position to please them. While the girls are swarming around him like flies on shit, I own his attention. The harder they try, the less I care.  While they are stalking his social media profile, trying to figure out what party he will show up at next, the fuller my inbox is with requests for a drink or a chat. This isn’t because I am trying to steal someone’s man, it is because I am not trying at all.

But, this ability to connect genuinely with everyone comes at a price. Like I said, I see men as humans, not some prize to attain. While most women approach men with an agenda, I see all as a potential friend. If I like his mind and how it operates, I’ll make him a friend in 30 seconds or less. I am rarely, in fact, almost never interested in anything more. People like me because I discover quickly who they are on the inside, and I connect to that aspect of a human without a plan on how to hook him into wanting more. I don’t believe in hooking, manipulating, or obligating humans, and that is the main reason men are comfortable around me.  I have no plan for them at all.

But if you are a woman in need of a boyfriend, and you have your eyes set on one whose attention I’ve got, it will be hard to divert his attention to you. It is fascinating, how many of my friends I have helped connect to people. I love introducing people, I consider myself a Cupid, and I credit myself with a lot of happy connections. But, any time a woman can’t get attention from a man, I am always blamed for it. One year, I lost 30 members from my social network in a week, simply because someone’s boyfriend was trying to talk to me a little too persistently.

Be prepared, once you learn how to command respect, you will be met with an equal amount of attacks. Respect is a power, and probably the only privilege you have to earn from another person.  Once you have earned someone’s positive attention and respect, a noble person or a Goddess will treasure and protect it.  I stand up for all my friends. The ones whom I can truly count on, can also count on me to be a lion when they are under attack.

But when you have that much power you are a threat to all the people who have not earned your good graces. Most men and women who haven’t attained that level of self-possession will be threatened by it. The women know I can raise an army of men in the blink of an eye. And the men know that as much as I value their friendship, I can afford to lose them. Once you have exposed your emptiness, insecurity, or disrespect, I have no reason to keep you.

So, the attackers come in two sexes, the women who can’t compete, and the men who cannot have me. Both spun tales that have cost me friendships, business, and relationships. I have too much pride to whine about it in public. If you hurt me, I will let you. I never consider revenge. Revenge is for amateurs.

I used to hide my pain, when girlfriends fabricated a story, then formed coalitions against me. The same girls who cried on my shoulder for years, wanted nothing to do with me when their men started reading and agreeing with TheGoddessPrinciples blog, or when they simply wanted to be my platonic friend. The men who couldn’t have me, started their own fiction, you know that story, when the guy concludes he was too much of a man for me, and I, every four letter word in the dictionary.

Last week, I was at a business networking event, when I saw an old friend in the crowd. I walked up to her, gave her a warm hug, congratulated her on her new baby, and the woman froze. She could not look me in the eye, stared at me nervously, replied curtly, so I walked away as I had better things to do.  When I got home, I noticed she unfriended me from Facebook, as did 25 others in that professional network. Hmm…Did I steal someone’s man again? I can’t imagine whom. A little digging and I realized she had the baby with a guy I met 7 years ago. He asked me out 6 times, but I politely declined multiple times. He later offered me a job in his company, but I felt creepy working for him- somehow I felt the offer was just a different approach to own me.  Who knows what he must have told her, or what the reason for the suddent coldness was. It could just as easily be something else. I really don’t care.

Today I don’t hurt, I smile. When rumors fly, I know I am doing something right. When there is a new story about me, I don’t even bother to find out what it is, and I certainly don’t cry anymore. I either attained something another woman had been stalking for years, or I said no to a man whose ego couldn’t handle it.

All Goddesses have been there, suffered through it, and learned to take those bricks thrown at them and build them into castles. But don’t worry, our castles aren’t empty. We have simply learned to sift and filter better. Rather than open the doors to anyone knocking, we only let a few exceptional people in. There are 350,000 members in my social network, 4000 digital social media friends, 45 people I can call on for solid advice or when I need real results, and 1 small handful of people I can truly count on as a friend. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I couldn’t afford to take good care of that many people anyway.

The best advice I can give you is to take your time and learn how to sift. You don’t owe your respect to anyone who hasn’t bothered to earn it. Nor do you owe anyone an apology. Sharpen your intuition, and learn to sniff out the fakers- they are usually in it to get something. They’ll come to you with an ailment and see you as a remedy. They’ll come when in need, then walk when they’re satisfied. Observe. Who are they loyal to? Who is their God?  Most fakes insist on loyalty, in fact they will demand it well before they have demonstrated their worthiness. Most mortals don’t have the dignity to keep their own word. They will flake out with a sweet smile, then call you a friend. Just watch detached, and sooner or later, you’ll develop an instinct for people.

Keep your castle clean. It’s better to have only a few worthy friends, than a house full of charlatans.  The more solid humans you have in your life, the more powerful you are, even if you can count them on one hand. And when your enemies start throwing bricks at you, don’t throw them back at them. Keep the bricks, treasure them, then build a taller tower.

S

Why do experts treat relationships like a science project? Who do people believe that relationships are an achievement? We are born surrounded by billions of people, why do we feel exhilarated when we find just one who wants to be with us? Why do media harp on emotional and psychological inadequacies of people who are unattached? Who do some people pursue relationships as if they are a goal that must be attained? Why do others view marriage as if it is a business deal?

For years I have been observing that people who pursue relationships the hardest are always the most miserable. That’s not because they are unattractive to the opposite sex, it is because they believe in the mass hysteria that being without a significant other will leave them empty. So they buy books, sign up for 10-day spiritual retreats to reawaken their kundalinis and attract, attract, attract!

It’s hard to get away from the bull. It’s so prevalent that you can’t help but notice that if you are not a subscriber to some relationship self-help scheme, you must have given up on hope. My position is that if you are buying into any of these ideas, you are swallowing snake oil. People who are constantly pursuing relationships are the turnoff.

“Buy this, wear that, click here, wait 30 min before replying to a text, never say this to a man, 12 ways to turn a man off,  follow these 9 steps to a guaranteed marriage proposal…”

Relationship experts would have us believe that there is a “trick” to getting the other person to like us. There isn’t. Any technique you implement to get a person to respond is a pathetic attempt at manipulation. We are not dogs, we don’t salivate just because you look like a treat.

“But I waited an hour before replying to a text! Now he should think I am a busy, high-value woman. He should have started chasing me by now!”

 “But I do yoga, I have a significant social media following, I travel the world and I post about my awesome lifestyle. That shows, I have a full life, and a purpose?! Still, nobody wants me.”  No, it shows you have way too much time on your hands. Who are you when you’re not posing?

Laughable, isn’t it? I can assure you I have NEVER fallen for a person who has attempted to make me like him, love him, be interested in him. It has never happened. I have never even accepted a friendship unless I had a genuine interest in that person. So no matter what book you read, and what technique you apply, I am only interested in you if I am interested in you. There is nothing you can do to make me. I don’t care if you if you have an impressive resume, what car you drive, how many degrees you collected, nor your IQ score. And I really don’t care that you did all the right things, you made effort, you spoke in complete sentences, you bought flowers, and you showed up on time. You proved you have manners, but I am still not going to be attracted to another human because they did all that.

Relationship gurus make us believe that if we are diligent enough to jump through a set of hoops, we will earn the prize. This person who is way out of our league, and completely disinterested, will fall in love with us immediately, and be unshakably loyal for eternity. Has that even happened to you? Not to me either.

Yet, the smartest men and women buy into this shit. Some of the most highly educated people I know, who pride themselves on their intellect, pore over relationship books endorsed by psychologists, statisticians, animal behaviorists, sociologists and sex experts to study, analyze, and find proof that there is a formula to mating success. There isn’t.

Have you ever noticed that some of the least educated people in the world, the ones with limited or non-existent access to relationship expertise, manage to find a mate and procreate without even trying? What are their secrets? Do nomads of the Gobi desert or the lost tribes of Amazonia know something about attraction that we don’t? They sure do.

They know yes means yes, and no means no. One means I am interested, the other, I am not. Yes means I want you, no means go away you smelly brute. You don’t score brownie points for trying. You don’t get a gold star for diligence and trying harder than everyone else. You don’t become more attractive, for responding to a text later. You don’t look more shiny or enlightened for striking the goddess pose or a downward dog in front of the whole tribe. In fact, you’ll look stupid.

So what is attraction? I don’t know. I have one useless degree in psychology, and thus far no one has ever been able to convince me they know either. Here is what I do know:

1. Only I know what is attractive to me. I will follow my own instinct towards what I find attractive, no matter what you do.  You could shower me with rose petals, buy me diamonds, park the shiniest sports car in my driveway, but I will always follow my own desires toward the man I want, and he probably will not be you.
2. There is nothing I can do to make myself attractive to a person who is not attracted to me. No dress, no hair style, no gym membership, and no technique has ever helped me win over someone who is not interested in me. To prove I really believe this, I don’t pay for $200 blow outs, wear makeup, follow gurus, or manage a wardrobe. I am not an actress, I don’t need costumes, I have no one to impress. If you like me, you are here, if you don’t, you don’t. If I don’t want to see you naked, no amount of posturing will ever change my mind. No access.
3. Everything we have earned or qualified for in life does not add up to a relationship. It adds up to your personal satisfaction, an ego trip, or a pile of clutter in your space. Trust me, your certificate in geniousness  will not be impressive to someone with an identical certificate in geniousness. That stretch you do in your skinny Lulu Lemons on a lawn at sunrise makes you look like a pigeon, ruffling its feathers for a mating dance.

So what do you do to attract a mate?

1. NOTHING. It’s amazing how many people I attract in a week, simply by doing nothing. I am not speaking from my ego here, I am speaking from a place of humility. The ego would say, I have graduated from a world class university with a degree in business, you have accomplished the same, therefore I now qualify for a relationship with you. You should be attracted to me. A humble human admits to having nothing, and is quite comfortable standing there with nothing for the whole world to see. What is shocking is that with all the nothing I have, people are very much attracted to me. I have hundreds of amazing friends all over the world, whose hearts I won with nothing but Me. I have a voice mail and inbox full of date requests, that I can’t possibly reply to- and I am a woman who doesn’t own a curling iron, a gym membership, nor a makeup bag. There is a lot about myself that I don’t like, and other people shouldn’t have to. I am comfortable with my piles of unaccomplished endeavors, I don’t hide them.

Most importantly, doing nothing helps me accurately gauge what the other is attracted to. Are they attracted to my social media persona, my designer outfits, my clean, spotless. mysterious dating profile they’ll never find online? Or are they looking at me, the real me, that person who truly possesses nothing?

I like people who have the ability to see. No one can fake that. So, I’d rather stand there with nothing to determine what exactly they want from me.

2.  Drop your agenda. It is unattractive. I am not telling you to hide it, because you’ll never succeed. People can see through an agenda, and you’ll look desperate. I am fully aware when a man has an agenda. Regardless of whether he is lonely, eager, terrified of being single, shopping for a trophy, ready to close the deal and tie the knot, we are all transparent. No matter what dating technique you follow to not seem desperate, sooner or later, your agenda will be exposed. If you are pushing someone towards the altar, when you told them you’re cool being casual, you’ll be left at the altar and no, it’s not their fault.  If I see you have a plan for me, I’ll make sure it fails. Why? I have plans for myself, and I will not fit neatly into the life you designed for me. If you have ever watched a woman lead a reluctant man toward commitment, marriage and a baby, you know how unattractive that looks. Men do exactly the same thing with their agendas.

3.  Pursue yourself. When we pursue other people, they will do anything they can to remain free. I don’t want to be pursued by anyone other than the one I have my eye on.  One of the most toxic ideas out there is the idea that relentless pursuit will win over the person we desire. It will not. Relentless pursuit is repulsive. I already said no thanks, so you harping on the subject will only make you look creepy.

An average woman is constantly bombarded by offers for sex, attention, a chance, and offers to get to know her. If women wanted to be pursued by random men everyone would be paired up by now. Men are pursued too by women who have plans for them, long before they are even aware. But unless the object of your desire has indicated clearly “I want you, I am interested in you” you are wasting your time.

Rather than pursue other people, pursue yourself. All that effort you put into attracting a mate should be placed on you. You shouldn’t pursue knowledge, interests, hobbies to become more attractive to the opposite sex, you should only pursue them if they satisfy you and only you.

4.  Be genuine.  There is nothing you can do to not be you. So what purpose is there to investing in special effects that will make you seem more shiny? You will never cover up your oddities, weirdness, nerdiness, or psychological disorders with makeup or a sexy costume. Instead, you’ll piss off the object of your desire for not disclosing earlier you are living on a diet of anti-depressants. Sooner or later, the real you will have to come out. And the real you will be evaluated and judged by a mere human who either wants that, or doesn’t. There will be nothing you can do about it.

I don’t have the magic formula for attraction. What I do know is that all this pursuit of relationships is backfiring on everyone. Relationships have become a national obsession, and there is an industry to answer every one of our burning needs, that we should be satisfying ourselves. Relationships have become a trade, and there is nothing more repulsive that a person trading themselves in exchange for a temporary high of being able to change their Facebook status to “In a relationship” for a few days.

I love to observe people, especially in a social setting. I run a big social network, and have been throwing parties for single professionals for almost two decades. What I have learned from watching people is what I already posted above:  The people who pursue relationships the hardest, are the most miserable people on earth. Prior to any event I receive inquiries from attendees:  Will so and so be there? Is he/she single? Was so and so seen talking to another woman at your party?  When they get to the party, that so and so is making an effort to avoid them. They know they’re being hunted.

What is so funny is that people are being transparent when they intend to be most discreet. A while ago I was dating a guy whom I introduced to friends at a party, but I wasn’t clear with our relationship status. I simply introduced him as a friend. To this day there are three women, showing up to local events looking for him, trying to place themselves under his nose, when he is totally aware of what they are doing.  He even jokes about how easy they would be, simply because he notices how much effort they put into looking great, walking past him multiple times, and acting nonchalant. So stop trying, you’ve already been noticed and it didn’t work.

Do you think I will be more interested if you ask me out one more time? It’s amazing to me how people think that if I recently got out of a relationship, that is a brand new opportunity to ask me out again. Some people even think that I must regret not saying yes before, because the man I chose instead was obviously the wrong choice. Do you want me now? No. Will I regret not giving you a chance, when I am 74 and still single? No.

Attraction is a mystery. It has been a mystery since the dawn of mankind, and so far, no one has been able to make sense of its random, chaotic, nonsensical mix of brain chemicals, physical traits, sex organs, mating dances, social aptitude, intelligence, or psychological profiles. If there was a formula, it would make dating predictable, painless and boring. Maybe that is the mark of a dullard, that person who is looking to check off a list of things they have done to earn our approval or score a relationship with us. That sap learning from a list of 101 qualities you must possess to find a mate, is the one posing as someone he is not. That woman enrolling in a course in awakening her inner dimwit for the third time, is the one who is looking for something that will never be there.

Attraction is supposed to be a mystery. How else would dating be fun and intriguing? Why spoil it will rules to follow, or trying to figure out the opposite sex?  It is the unknown, the unquantifiable, the inexplicable that is attractive.

If you are exactly what someone is looking for, you fit their plan, their agenda, their equation, they will take you. Temporarily you’ll balance out a chemical equation and satisfy a need. But we all grow, we all move and we are constantly changing, so how long can you possibly be exactly what the other needs?

But if we accept the fact that attraction is chaos, there is beauty to the ever changing mess of human needs and a constant growth of wantingness, then we understand that it is okay for attraction to be random, inexplicable and undefinable. We become okay with being exactly who we are, and non-concerned about how we fit in.

If you need a mate before your deadline, one who fits your list of must-have qualities, by all means, sign up for a course, transform yourself, and become whatever the other needs. You’ll need a library full of books, dating and relationship coaches, financial and legal experts who will settle the agreement and tangle you into an unbreakable contract. But if you have a you, if you have a life, if you have a purpose and know how to enjoy it, then what difference does decoding attraction make?

There is nothing more unattractive than pursuing a relationship like it is a project and trying to be someone you are not. There is nothing more unattractive than investing in beauty treatments, signing up for courses, believing that your actions will amount to guaranteed interest. They won’t. You’ll turn off armies of people, and still not find the one. With that course of action you will find a lonely, desperate willing participant who also just wants to tie the knot and get it over with. Why not quit the mating game, and enjoy all the beautiful people who are in your life already?

Everyone you could possibly date is right in front of your face. But they too have their nose buried in the latest Dating for Dummies bestseller. Real people do not need to be deciphered nor decoded. If you’re sleepable, we’ll say yes, if you’re not, keep walking. People who value themselves, won’t compromise on someone who they are not attracted to. If you are looking to date out of your league, and trying to score a 10 when you are only a 6, well, there’s an entire profession for that.

This industry peddles mostly to people of low self-esteem, and narcissists who want a trophy rather than an equal. Don’t buy into that, and you’ll be just fine. Really, all you need to do to score a date is take a shower and brush your teeth every day, go out in daylight so people know you exist, and when asked out, show up and be present.

S