So he says he wants a relationship. So what? These are the magic words every woman wants to hear. But, most effective sales people know what words turn buyers on, and so even a man with no skills whatsoever knows to say that magic word. Relationship! Your average girl, starts beaming with pride, she just received that honor she has been waiting for, an average flake who said he wants a relationship with her.

Needless to say, most girls don’t do much thinking here. Few even stop to think is this truly a person she wants a relationship with. She heard the word, so she is opening up, she’s shopping for lingerie, brushing up her girlfriend skills, end off she goes to the mall to stock up on her relationship materials: perfume, the outfits, the relationship books, and maybe some stationery for when time comes to make the announcement.

But, no Goddess ever fell for a relationship. Not so fast. I’m not sure you qualify for a relationship with me. I want to sample the goods, before I buy into this.

This is a continuation of my previous post: How to Measure His True Feelings and Intentions.  But, here I want to discuss what the word relationship means. This is a trigger word that get’s most women to salivate like Pavlov’s dog. Often, what women mean by the word is different from what they actually receive, but nevertheless they are willing to work for it. And like an obedient poodle, she starts doing whatever it takes to earn that morsel of meat.

Each human has different needs, and there is no point in discussing what different people need from a relationship. To each, her own. My point is that just because a relationship is being offered, it does not mean that you have anything at all. And without the proof that his intentions match yours (see article below), you are wasting your time.

So someone wants a relationship with you. So what? At the risk of sounding obnoxious and pompous, I always say so what. Someone on the streets asks you for a dollar, are you obligated or excited to give it to them? No. You give only when it feels right to you. If you haven’t spent some time, screening, listening to his words, measuring his actions, and checking off his deliverables (as in the previous article), you have no idea what he really is asking for, but most of all you are considering the possibility, and likely making an effort toward something that is probably inadequate.

Who are you, and why do you want a relationship with me?  What qualifies you for a relationship with me? Are you at my level? Have you spent the years developing, improving, growing yourself like I have? Or are you a recently divorced, scared shitless, a don’t-want-to-be-alone dolt, looking for a fast track out of his misery? People are nice, but just because their hearts are bleeding, doesn’t mean you should be the one to stitch it.

Worse yet, there are a lot of men out there who think they are entitled to a relationship, and unfortunately, there are so many girls out there, willing to let them have it. They end up taking care of needs of fully grown, balding babies, who think a woman’s job is to cater to his needs, keep his tummy full, and look pretty enough to impress his bloated cronies.

Just because someone wants to have a relationship with you, doesn’t mean you have to consider it at all. But, assuming this is actually a person you are interested in, why not let him demonstrate what the word relationship means to him?  Words are just words, and they rarely convey what the person truly means. We can verbally be on the same page, but if the delivery doesn’t match what I need, it is not a relationship. It is not a relationship until both people are getting their needs met, until both people are satisfied, until both people are happy.

If you are working to create the relationship you want with him, you are not actually in a relationship. If you were, it would already be established. If you are in the process of laying the groundwork, seeing what works, negotiating the terms, it is NOT a relationship. And, as I said in the previous post, if you are doing most of the communicating, and guiding him to what you want, you are manufacturing something he may not be really into. He is going along for the free ride instead.

So, what if he wants a relationship? Show me what you mean by ‘relationship’. Demonstrate it. What does a relationship mean to you? Here is where you watch for verbal expression, actions taken, and what is actually being delivered to you.  You are not taking a step forward, twisting his arm, nor guiding him to what you want, you are allowing him to express himself. So, if he is showing up to your house, expecting his belly to be filled, he is demonstrating what the word relationship means to him. If he is putting his feet up on your coffee table, watching the game, while you prepare something in the kitchen, as comfy as that sounds, that IS what relationship means to him. If he is making projections about the future, and including you in those plans, that IS what relationship means to him. If he is showing up for nookie, and leaving right away, that IS what relationship means to him. If he is having you tend to his boo-boos, needing your emotional support but not noticing you are hurting too, that IS what the relationship means to him. Some women are thrilled to be able to baby him when he is sick. Great, you got the job of first-aid nurse, but you forgot to qualify him.

How to sample the goods up front? All you have to do is pay very close attention to the relationship HE is creating. Allow him to express all of his needs, by demonstrating. You will see a very clear picture of what you are dealing with. Now, I am NOT stating that at no point should you make an effort to participate in this relationship. I AM saying that comes later, after you have evaluated his idea of a relationship, and objectively determined if you are fully satisfied with what he has delivered.

Don’t be fooled into thinking you will straighten him out later. No. A man will do whatever he needs to get his needs met, even go elsewhere, or go home to grovel to mommy, and there are some men out there who are only looking to get their needs met. You need to see that in order to determine whether this is a person you want in your life. So let him be exactly who he is. Do not ask for better behavior, instead observe his natural behavior. Do not tell him what he needs to do to make this relationship work (unless you are actually far into a real, non-imaginary relationship), but observe if and how he is making an effort to determine your needs. Is he trying, or is he assuming you have none because you are so easy going.

Be easy until you have all the facts. You’d be shocked by the kinds of things I have simply allowed men to demonstrate to me. Being my usual, easy going, non-demanding self, I have been presented with pure, uncensored honesty from men, who felt very comfortable expressing to me all their insane, unhealthy, toxic, political, masochistic, misogynistic, sicknesses that warrant a stay in the looney bin. Would I have known any of this, had I clearly stated exactly how I want them to behave toward me in a relationship? No. Most men will try to ascertain what you are looking for, then act just like that until they get into your pants. You want flowers, I got you flowers. Want to be wined and dined, sure I got you babe. But flowers and wine are no tell of a person’s true character. How many times have we been in relationships with men who act exactly as they are supposed to, only to discover later that he is a raging lunatic?

I know my flaws and all my weaknesses. Having grown up in a different culture, I am always challenged by communication. I communicate very directly and bluntly, and often don’t pick up subtle cues or softer words that imply something that hasn’t been spoken. So, I rely on proof. And that has served me well.

Instructing a man to go ahead and show me what he means by relationship, allows me to observe and see if this meets my needs. I am not stuck on his words, ‘But he said he wants a relationship’, instead I am evaluating what he has actually delivered.

The guy who asks me to hang out, is likely to get stuck in my friend category. Friends hang out, and if he hasn’t actually used the word date, he gets a friendship instead. I hung out with a guy for six months only to find him screaming his head off, and calling me all kinds of names when he found out I am actually dating a real person, as in going out on actual, adult dates. He assumed we were hanging out, meeting each others’ friends, grabbing a drink now and then, so I would be exclusively hanging with him. His idea of a relationship, not mine.

But relationship is a loaded word, and it gets a lot of people to do crazy things they never would do had it been called an interview, a getting to know you, a trial period, whatever. And if you tend to get triggered by the word relationship, or tend to guide men into the fantasy relationship you want without their actual participation, step back.

When a person actually wants a relationship they will A) state it clearly with words B) take action steps to make it happen C) Deliver ALL that was promised. A flake will twist your words, say I never said that, always have an out, let you work on the relationship while he tends to his life, or ask you to hang out. The one who is seriously interested in a relationship, knows what a relationship looks like, he will actually make the time, and effort to lay a foundation, build it, put a roof on it. A serious human, won’t leave things up to chance, won’t leave the terms of a relationship ambiguous. He will state his intentions clearly, repeat them until he is blue in the face, because he wants to make sure that you are a willing participant and just as serious as he is.

It is not uncommon for men to ask to sample the goods before committing. It’s only fair. You want a relationship? Then you sample the goods too, tell him to show you what a relationship with him looks like. If his style, his effort, his relationship feels good to you, accept it, and if it’s sloppy don’t help him build it. Again, you are not being passive, you are in your ‘sampling the goods’ and in observation mode. No commitment, no relationship, no contract until I see what your idea of a relationship looks like.

S

Do you really know how the other person feels about you? Most women don’t pay attention to what is being offered to them, what is being said or delivered to them, instead, they go by what is not being rejected.

In the beginning stages of getting to know someone, not much is being communicated, given, offered to us at all. So, to push the relationship forward, women make an offer and if it is not rejected they see it as a sign that he is receptive, so they offer more of their time, more of their sex, more of their cooking, more of their friendship, more of their affection, etc. In that giving, they are forming an attachment. He is not rejecting anything, he is taking what is given. But, here women think they have established a connection when in fact they have established a one-way attachment. What’s more important, they have no clue how he truly feels about them.

When she is prodding the relationship forward he has had no opportunity to question and inquire, plan, or scheme. He is receptive, waiting to see what else she will give him. Then, most women are shocked to find out that he has no real interest. They were sure they had a connection, they worked hard for it, they earned it, they communicated clearly their feelings and what they wanted, and he accepted everything. “But he didn’t say no, he didn’t reject me”, is no way to gauge how he feels. Where in her mind did she find the information that he is interested?  She created the relationship all by herself.

Like most women, she projected her wants into him, he went along, and let her guide him, but she has no facts, no information, no data whatsoever. What I am always looking for is his energy, his effort, what messages is he sending my way. If his energy is passive and accepting, that’s not a man of action. As you all know, I am okay with just a casual fling, but even then I am always watching what messages are coming my way. When you are in observation mode, a.k.a. data collection mode, all the effort he makes toward you is pure data! You can even enter it into your spreadsheet 🙂

When you simply watch and listen, he will send you prodding questions, and those words will either hint at sex, are you willing to play with me, or relationship, words like honesty, truth, openness, time, etc. Compile your data ladies!

This guy I have been on and off with for a year was super vague, non-communicative, emotional flake. I could tell right away someone broke his heart. He even admitted it. Most women would see a hurt soldier, and run to his rescue. Nooooo, you are not his nurse, and a hurting man is not an opportunity! Instead, after much of emotional chit-chat, I decided to keep looking. His words said he is looking for a band-aid, he is looking for help, someone to take his pain away. I collected my data, and decided he is not relationship material, but good for a casual fling. So, I said no thanks to the flaky, non-decisive, time waster, walked away, and told him I am only good for some fun. And my boundary is always enforced at just fun. He gets nothing out of me other than fun. I am not scheming to see if it can be more than that, because I have all the information to dismiss anything else from him.

But instead of projecting your wants and needs into someone who is not stepping up at all, and manufacturing a relationship with a person who is just waiting to see what you put on his plate, do yourselves a favor and back off. Sit back and relax, and just watch.

On any given week I get contacted by men I meet when I am out. I have no way of knowing who these people are, what their intentions are, nor whether they have a backbone. To me personally, character is worth its weight in gold, but if all he has is character and no other qualities I am looking for, he will have my respect and nothing else. Nevertheless, the first thing I am screening for is character, a backbone, clearly stated intent, and DELIVERY. Words are just words, but whether those words add up to something concrete, tells you who you are dealing with.

This is how I screen out 99.99% of flakes. Enjoy the conversation, and rather than talk about yourself, what you want, and what you need, sit back and listen. That person who has no intent but to waste your time, will have nothing concrete to say at all, besides Hey, want a beer? Usually a person who has a clear intention, will use words that reflect what he is looking for. If he doesn’t seem to be looking for anything, don’t step up and guide him into what you are looking for.

A man who knows exactly what he wants will make it happen. If he doesn’t know how to make it happen, don’t help him. He will try to communicate it, and if it isn’t clear, allow him to keep clarifying until you are satisfied with the answer. If that answer doesn’t match what you want, don’t negotiate his answer to make it fit your needs. You don’t need to improve or tweak his response, instead accept what you heard.

And of course, don’t believe anything he says, until you see delivery. Did he actually pick up the phone, did he actually make the reservation, did he actually show up? What is he working toward? Sex, some casual fun, a relationship? All are acceptable to me, but unless I see him working on it, as in taking clear action, I am not going to budge.

But open up an Excel spreadsheet, and create three columns.  Start listing his words in one column, and his actions in the other. In the third column list all his deliverables. After a couple of months, add up all your rows and see what was delivered.  That’s how you know what a man wants, and how he really feels, and if that actually ads up to something you want. Don’t fall for ‘I want to go to Paris with you’ routine. Have tickets been purchased, have hotels been booked. when did you say we are going to Paris?

Imagine you are a project manager at a Big Five consulting firm. Would you get paid for a project that wasn’t complete? Would you get paid for just big, important sounding words, when no action was taken toward that goal? So why would you accept that kind of time wasting from a man? Your boss would take your proposal and throw it out the window, and tell you to get out of here. Don’t waste my time. To keep your job as project manager, you must clearly state the scope of the project, list all your action steps, check off one by one, and set a date for all your deliverables. No self-respecting professional would dare miss a project delivery, so why do we let men get away with having us run the relationships for them.

Collect your data ladies, and if the words, actions don’t add up to a quantifiable delivery, you’ve got a flake on your hands. Walk away from that.

S

Why is it so important to protect masculinity? What do we gain from accusing victims of slander? Do we have a much bigger problem in this world than the #metoo movement has shed light upon? It is not just harassment of female professionals, Olympic athletes, students. How long have religious institutions of all denominations been protecting clergy? Centuries, eons, it is so prevalent, that it is part of our culture: shaming the victims is the norm, protecting the perpetrator from embarrassment is always the objective.

Meanwhile, false masculinity is spared from being exposed. Victims are urged to “think of his innocent family”, think of other employees and their jobs, think of the company, think of the religious institution. Why is it the victim’s responsibility to protect a rapist’s family, does he not bear such responsibility himself? We live in a culture where a male may not be shamed. His masculinity may not be challenged, even when clearly he has no masculinity to speak of. Is this the definition of masculinity? Something fragile that must be propped up at all costs to the detriment of women, children and boys?

But is there a greater problem? Is there an epidemic? A psychological disorder that causes some men who are unable to tolerate the decline of their own masculinity, to use tactics such as harassment to validate themselves as males? Is there a psychological or criminal profile for these men, or are they forever destined to remain nameless, spoken about only in hushed tones? I bet there isn’t a single psychology textbook addressing this problem. Have we coddled declining masculinity into a pathological perversion?

We are treating these criminal acts as separate, unrelated incidents (The #metoo movement, rape of child athletes, sexual abuse by clergy) when it happens systemically on all levels of society, in every industry and religion. The faces of the victims change, but the abusers are the same. Silent, nameless, protected, egotistical, sacrosanct, bulletproof, desperate duds who hide behind their churches, companies, wives, and other males.

To be clear, I am not pointing a finger at all men, most of the ones I know are speaking up in our defense. I am questioning why is it a crime to challenge masculinity, or address false masculinity, or point out perverse behaviors of certain men? Historically, women have been burned at the stake for challenging manhood, what is it about manhood that is so fragile? What is it about manhood that we have to prop up with compliments to their sexual prowess, tolerance of their misdeeds, protection of their character?

We live in a culture that invalidates females as women once they pass childbearing age, but props up males the very day their dicks go limp? We ridicule women when estrogen depletes and they suffer from mood shifting hormonal changes, but bolster the confidence of men when declining testosterone results in unattractive baldness. She loses her status as a real woman, but he gains status as a real man. We live in a culture that is more at ease turning a story of rape and assault into a late night TV joke, rather than point the finger directly into his face. Oh he’s just a real man, a man’s man, no harm done.

I am not sure where the problem began. It was probably thousands of years ago, in mythical times when Eve got blamed from getting Adam expelled from Eden. And it no longer matters. What matters is that even today,  society, culture, religion and the legal system is more likely to chastise women,  blame the victim,  humiliate the injured, rather than reveal the false male.

Isn’t it time to question what we have been taught about manhood? Isn’t it time to actually study the psychology of an aging male, as objectively as we study the aging female? Isn’t it time to create a criminal profile, so that these perverts hiding behind the mask of maleness can finally be brought to justice? By now there have been enough criminal charges of priests, CEOs, academics, celebrities, and common predators to create a profile. Who is he? Why do we still not know?

And why are healthy, non-violent men protecting them? What is the risk to them? Certainly, there have been many outspoken men who have urged against blaming the victims. But the vast majority of men are rolling their eyes, asking when will the #metoo movement end. Enough is enough, they say. But only the victims can say when it is enough.

Pope Francis accuses Chilean church sexual abuse victims of slander

Scary woman. Is there something wrong with being scary? If you are a scared man, a lot. If you are insecure, macho, weak, artificial, egotistical, boastful, disrespectful, unreliable, untruthful, narcissistic, characterless, a bully, I guarantee you won’t feel like a man standing next to me. It takes me 5 seconds to put a man in his place, using nothing but evidence, reason, and his own words.  If that is a bad characteristic for a woman to have, okay, call me scary.

I’m comfortable being scary. I always was outspoken, and always willing the stick my neck out to call bullshit, expose a coward, stand up to a bully, even when I was urged to be moderate, tone down my rhetoric for fear people could get hurt? Who?

Who are these people who find truth scary? The ones who have been protecting bogus manhood for years, the ones who have a lot to lose if false masculinity is exposed,  the ones afraid to lose protection of these phonies some call men.  They are the wives who burried their heads in the sand decades ago, so that he could be the man. The daughters who took a slap on the ass, learned submission at a young age, and now believe in patriarchy and power of men . They are the mothers who raised them, who coddled them to become entitled narcissits who believe that women are there to support their delusions. But most of all, they are the men who have worn the crown of manhood since the first day they discovered their penis, and have never had to do anything to earn the title.

Face it, society has been protecting delusions of old men for thousands of years. Man-coddling is so pervasive that it is the pillar of every religion on earth, the base of every political system, and supporting the grand delusion has always been the only proper way for a woman to be. Speaking out against male transgressions, harassment, misdemeanors, has always resulted in a painful and degrading backlash from both men and women at the same time. Not only has it not been appropriate to expose misoginy, lewdness, barbarism and impropriety, doing so will get the accuser slapped with the label of crazy, vengeful, desperate, attention skeeing whore. The price an accuser would pay has always been greater than any cost to the tormenter. And this is how false masculinity has survived for thousands of years.

To be clear, there is a big difference between a man and a male suffering from dellusions of male grandeur. A real man respects women. Every one of his words and actions shows utmost respect for his equal. An impostor makes disparaging remarks, mild enough to be forgiveable and immediately dismissed in case he is called out. He is threatened by equality, her achievements, independence, and is absolutelly disgusted by women who do not need a man at all. A real man earns your respect, a false one, demands it. In fact he demands to be treated like a man, asks that women make him feel like a man, and that he be recognized for his manhood. Why? When a male needs a woman to treat him like a man, it is because he is not a man. He is very well aware of his shortcomings, so he needs her to compensate. You recognize him, he uses the term “real man” every time he refers to himself.

For centuries women have been taught to protect men and to protect their own reputations by staying quiet. We are told to think of the damage we could cause to his family, and to other people. Why should the victim protect a harasser’s family, and why does he not have to? If he respects his own family, why did he expose himself, then demand mercy when it is time to account for his actions?

We have been protecting losers who do not qualify as men and should not be allowed to use that word. Staying silent has only weakened us, and empowered them. I am sick and tired of protecting people’s husbands, brothers, fathers, at the expense of my own dignity. I speak up, no matter what it costs me. If you have a problem being spoken to, I will put you in your place, and the price will be paid by you and no one else. These losers have been hiding behind the skirts of their wives, mothers, and daughters for centuries and calling themselves men. Unless we name names and start pointing fingers, the delusions of fake masculinity will keep haunting us.

Please consider, think long and hard. Who are we protecting, and why? Any time a woman speaks up, she is urged to not be too harsh with her accusations, not name names for people could get hurt. We all know her credibility and motives are automatically questioned, for if she speaks in general terms without naming names, there is no real perpetrator, only the unfortunate victim.

And thus fasle masculinity has always relied upon the grace and benevolence of women, employees, wives, mothers and daughters to not expose the perpetrator, not unmask the pervert, for the sake of all those who surround him. Others could get hurt, and by speaking out the victim is warned not to destroy a family, doing so makes her evil, despicable, and oscene, but not the man hiding behind that family.

It is time for that false masculinity to topple. I have no problem with it, and neither do countless other “scary women” who are not afraid to speak out. When men stay silent, or question when will it be enough, when will these exposees stop, my answer is when every loser is exposed. After all, each victim deserves her dignity, and every perpetrator just punishment. If that means that some wives and mothers will be embarassed, I’m okay with that- it is time that women learn there is no reward for propping up manhood, and that there is more dignity in waking away.

To be clear, I have no problem with authetic masculinity at all. I am proud of all my male friends who have spoken out in support of their female coworkers, friends, and neighbors. Many have challenged their own employers, their own friends, and their own belief systems, some have even asked the most important question of all: How have I contributed to the problem, and how can I change, then help you? How can I be a better co-worker, friend, husband, boyfriend? Masculinity is not dead, it is just being born. We all have yet to learn who the real men are, as they are just starting to speak out, challenge old belief systems, push back against status quo, tradition and patriarchy.

But in general, the real men have always been there, they too have been labeled all kinds of names when they stood for equality and empowered women. They are the men who congratulate you on your successes, encourage you to speak up, don’t doubt your abilities, don’t take pleasure in your failures. They don’t need women to make them feel like men, they know they already are. They don’t build illusions, then demand you support their dellusions, they are okay with who they are, and in who we are.

S

There are two kinds of people in the world, the fulls, and the empties. The empties are always chasing the fulls, and the fulls want nothing to do with them. When the empties get lonely, they form binding agreements, so that neither is ever authorized to flee and leave an empty space behind. They work hard to preserve traditions, institutions, status quo because change is painful and turns them upside down.

The empties are convinced of their moral and spiritual superiority and their high intelligence because they have the paperwork to prove it. The fulls tore up their paperwork to roll joints. The empties are convinced the fulls are fools, for not wanting what they’ve got. Unfortunately, they cannot survive without the fulls, because their fellow empties are just cartridges. There’s no juice on the inside. The marketplace is full of cartridges, but juice cannot be bought.

But how to acquire a full? Take one, and see if it files a complaint? Offer a cash reward for loyalty and service? Dangle a sparkly carrot, and see if it bites? Sometimes they get a nibble, but when a full gets a whiff of an empty, no reward is worth the drain.

The planet is a giant zoo of different types of people divided into political systems, borders, ideologies, religions, philosophies that only serve to distinguish the fulls from the empties. It’s a giant puppet show of screamers, complainers and disgruntled empties, who can’t get the juice 🙂 But the juice is not for sale. Life is tough when you’ve got the juice. Keep running my friends!

S

I have to admit my surprise when Hollywood starlets started speaking out about sexual misconduct in their industry. At first I thought it was just a few brave ones who had the guts to post #metoo on their Twitters, but pretty soon I realized, this is not just a trend, but a possible revolution. At first I was skeptical, worried that this was just a social media phenomenon that will quickly be replaced by a new controversy. When the first few women spoke out, I wrote on my social media pages that I wish they had the guts to name names, point fingers, go a step further, and expose the men, rather than just dance around the subject.

Little did I know, that this was just the beginning. A few months ago, I remember reading Taylor Swift’s court testimony, and thinking to myself how much I liked her assertiveness, her accusations, and her confidence- the girl was playing offense, rather than defense.  While she was on the stand, the defense attorney insinuated that she enjoyed the groping she endured on camera, and implied that she even asked for it. This girl didn’t back down. She talked back, she pushed, she demanded, she stood firm. Not once did she apologize, ask for understanding, whine, or make excuses. Like a pit bull she barked back and never backed down. I was really impressed.

And I am so pleased that women from all walks of life are finally speaking out. Every day, I read a social media post from a woman with her own #metoo story. For most women, it isn’t just one incident, but multiple ones along her career. The harassment and misconduct is so prevalent, that it does not surprise any women at all.

And, I am not surprised by the posts of disbelief, the accusations of exaggeration, the men who make light of the matter. Not many like the idea of answering for their own misdeeds or being called out in public. What I am disappointed about is the case we are attempting to make, the defensiveness we approach the subject with, and the weakness of our arguments.  Sure, this is a sensitive subject for all of us, it makes our stomachs turn, brings many of us to tears. Nevertheless, we must persist. So, to make our accusations stick, and our statements more powerful, we have to have a game plan. We cannot afford to “lose it”, get overly emotional, and forget what we are trying to accomplish.

Let’s face it, we are not fighting all men, we are fighting only the ones who have done something wrong. And the men who are guilty are slick. They are pros at deflecting blame, dodging responsibility, hiding behind their ‘nice guy’ image, corporate brands, their wives’ and daughters’ skirts.  We are not fighting real men, we are fighting those who don’t know the meaning of the word. Our arguments have to separate the men from the perverts, if our words are going to stick.

Here is where I think we fail with the #metoo campaign, and are losing credibility.

1) We play defense, rather than offense. We speak as victims, rather than accusers. Victims are powerless, accusers are powerful. No man is afraid of a victim, and he has nothing to lose, if we are just going to whine about misconduct.

2) We get off point, and make the fight about politics, gender wars, feminism, equality, attacks on masculinity, rather than saying “it is YOU”.  Harassers know how to sidetrack the accusation, so it is no longer about him, but an attack on manhood now. No dude, it is only about YOU, and we are only going to talk about what you did.

3) We allow them to use the terms “manhood, manliness, masculinity, real man” when in fact harassment is about weakness, desperation, loneliness, and deep insecurity. By allowing him to use the word man, we let him hide behind other men, when in fact he is not a man. Harassment is not manly. Harassment is a desperate ploy for validation.

4) Rather than complain about the state of female victims, let’s talk about the sad state of today’s men. They live in fear of “losing it” to women who are much younger, better educated, more determined, quickly gaining financial leverage. We are leveraging our own assets to buy houses without them, have babies without them, have sex without them, explore the world without them, asking for no support and no permission. That empty man who buys attention from women, or takes what is not his,  no longer has a role in our world. Let’s talk about the decline of manhood, and how certain males are not capable of coping with it. Instead of making excuses for our lifestyle choices, our singlehood, and the price of our accomplishments, we should be talking about how men are losing out, their desperate ploys for validation, the narcissism some manage their employees with, their struggle to remain relevant as men.

5) I rarely see women name names, and that allows harassers to remain anonymous. It is costly to be called out to your face in public, at the time the harassment is happening. It costs nothing months later, when it is just hearsay or a rumor. I’m a solid arguer, and one thing I know about debate is that men are just as illogical as they accuse women to be. Called out to their face, supported by evidence and pure logic, they are unable to argue back. But when we let them change the subject to an attack on manhood, they win, we lose. When we aren’t afraid to call him out directly, to his face, using his name, he will shrink like a violet.

6) We forgive them, and continue to work with them or give them attention. If a loser you know has been accused of harassment, why are you still his friend? Why are you still his employee? Why are you still clicking Like on his posts? Why are you still going to his events? Why are you still buying what he’s selling? Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness is healing, and it is a necessary part of moving forward. But, there is no reason why that narcissist should still be getting your attention. A harasser, a pedophile, a sexual aggressor has no place in this world. These people are propped up by our attention, support, and forgiveness, and by doing so we lick their wounds for them, and make what they did okay. There is rarely a cost to him. He still gets female attention, he still gets the girls, he still gets the applause. No. Delete.

I love that women are speaking out. But we have to be more tactical about this. We cannot allow the media or critics to muddle our message. And as you can see, they are already doing a good job confusing the issue with feminism, partisanship, attention seeking. I have even seen interviews with actresses who claim that some young ladies are asking for it by wearing provocative clothing. Let’s not let media, nor defenders of harassment to sidestep the accusations. Stick to the point, name names, list the offense, provide proof, and by all means, do Not call him a man. Man is the guy who listens objectively, gives support, steps in, offers a solution. The men are the ones giving us a forum to speak, firing harassers, creating a safe work environment, admitting mistakes even at a cost to themselves. They are men. The other guys are losers, harassers, narcissists, rapists, con-men, abusers, pedophiles, deviants. Call them anything you want, but please don’t call them men.

ghost·ing

noun: ghosting

Definition:   The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

Example: “I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings”

By now, you’ve all heard the term. Ghosting is basically a disappearing act that people use to tune out those we no longer want to deal with.  Popular media, social commentators, and dating experts see ghosting as a new social phenomenon that leaves victims hurt, dejected, and injured by the offender. They claim that this practice is cruel, insensitive, and just a symptom of the brutal world we live in. I am here to tell you the other side of the story, the side that will not leave you feeling like a victim of other people’s actions, but an empowered grown-up, who owns up to her own faults and deals with them.

I am often asked to help women deal with ghosting, when they suddenly experience being dropped by a potential relationship or someone they have dated for a while. Like any humans, they are hurt, offended, and feeling like they did something wrong. I admit, being ghosted does not feel good at all, but unlike most advice givers, I will not give you pity,  point the finger at the other person, or claim that he or she did something wrong. Instead, I will tell you that ghosting happens for a reason, a very good reason, and if it happens to you, you’ve earned it. If it happens more often than not, then as an adult, you have the responsibility to yourself to look within, and see what it is about you that people want to switch off.

This may sound cruel, but I believe that personal growth and empowerment come from self reflection, accepting 100% responsibility for all our experiences, and not blaming our feelings on other people.  That means that if you have been ghosted, it is because of YOU, not him.  Does it not serve you then to explore yourself, what you project out into the world, what reactions people have to you, and accept the fact that when someone ghosts you, they are in essence rejecting you, or some aspect of you they find unpleasant, unnecessary, or unbearable? Accepting that it is you and not them, gives you all the power in the world to ensure you are never ghosted again. For if it is your fault, you have 100% the ability to fix that aspect of you, and no longer be a victim of ghosting.

This morning, a friend who was very upset, called to let me know that she has been ghosted by man who stopped responding to her texts and calls, and to ask if I thought that people have lost all sense of human decency when they simply cut you off.  I responded by saying that people who ghost you aren’t bad people, they do it to in some way protect themselves from you, or whatever situation, energy, or projection you bring to them. They have every right to reject what doesn’t benefit them, any healthy person would step away from something that does not feel good. Do they owe you anything? No.

Without going into details of who this person is, and why this happened to her, I will explain in general terms that this happens to a lot of my readers, in fact, it is quite common. And while rejection hurts, I will never paint you as the victim. If you want to believe in the cruelty of people who reject you, go ahead, you’ll find an enormous support system in popular media and self-help books. But if you want to see yourself as you really are, I will hold up a mirror to you so that you can understand what it is that you are projecting onto other people, and what energy you bring to someone’s relationship table. That is the only way you will be able to see what it is about yourself that people need to step away from.

Contrary to popular belief, Ghosting is not a new social phenomenon propagated by the cruelty of social media, and the savage world we live in. In fact, Ghosting has been around since the dawn of mankind. It is just a new term for an old concept, rejection. Historically, the pain of rejection has always been borne by the rejected. Today, we no longer want to accept responsibility for how others treat us, and use the term Ghosting to imply that there is something wrong with the rejector, and nothing wrong with the rejected.

Modern technology, and social media now give us a power switch to simply shut off what no longer serves us, or delete people we don’t need to tolerate. We no longer have to pick up the phone and call the person we don’t want to deal with, and partake in a lengthy and unpleasant conversation about why we don’t want her in our lives. That conversation gives her the opportunity to twist words, misunderstand, or attempt to change our mind about a break-up we know is the right thing to do. We no longer have to consult the advice of family members, mutual friends, or therapists to let go of someone, risking the possibility that one of them will pester you into giving the person more chances. We can now simply delete, block, mute, and turn off the person we no longer want to deal with. As cruel as this sounds, it makes moving on easier for people. And again, they aren’t being irresponsible with your feelings when they ghost you, you as a grown woman are responsible for how you feel entirely.

So why do people ghost you? The plain and simple fact is that they don’t want you. Why? Each human is different, we all have drastically different needs and it would be a disservice to generalize. But, if you are being rejected, there is some behavior, a pattern, a habit, a style of communication, or energy, that the other person doesn’t like or want around them.

I have a confession to make. I ghost people all the time. I have been doing it since childhood, without being aware of it at all, until my clients started complaining about being victims of ghosting, and as I listened to their stories, I realized that I do it habitually.  I have been doing it for so long, I barely am aware of it, but here is my side of the story.

I am very sensitive to energy, and I confess, I am not very good at protecting myself from it. I am learning how to be more like Teflon and let people’s energy slide off me, but often it is impossible. I am also a natural healer, a helper, I want to help make everybody feel better. And in doing so, I often absorb toxic energies of others, allow their problems to become mine, alleviating their suffering to my own detriment. This is not anyone’s fault but my own. I am still learning how to protect myself. But, in order to protect myself from being drained, and energetically depleted, I have to switch some people off.

There are people who understand when I switch off, they give me my space, and we remain friends. And then, there are people who believe that my self-preservation is sheer cruelty, and that I owe it to them to remain engaged. I now recognize them as energy vampires, and the minute someone insinuates that I owe them my attention, time, or sympathy, I hit that delete button.  I have come to realize that people who feel entitled to my time, are no friends of mine. When I was younger and unable to recognize the signs, I would entangle myself into “friendships” where I am just serving a friend’s needs, alleviating their burdens to my own detriment. I have learned that if I continue to help, they will refuse to stand on their own two feet, that they don’t want the medicine, they just want my attention.

But for the most part, my ghosting is painful to people who don’t deal with rejection, who don’t understand that personal boundaries are subjective, and that they absolutely must be respected, especially to people who are codependent. Codependents live off the energy of other people, they are addicted to relationships, and they cannot survive without someone who will constantly give them feedback that they are in fact alive. There are other people who understand completely when I switch them off. In fact, I too understand that other people have energetic and emotional boundaries that I should not cross, and when they tune me out, I give them as much space as they need. Even if they need that space forever.

Though I have not been ghosted in a romantic relationship, I have been ghosted in friendship and I perfectly understand. I am not for everyone, and not everyone feels sparkly around me. I am blunt, abrasive, I joke incessantly, and I say it exactly like it is. I will never try to be someone else, but there are people who don’t like that, and I 100% respect them for it. No one owes it to me to try to understand me, tolerate me, in fact, no one owes me an explanation. It is perfectly acceptable to me if you reject me, ghost me, or switch me off. More power to you.

Like all healthy kids, I learned about rejection on the playground. My parents let me learn that lesson all by myself, without interfering or forcing other kids to play nice. In fact, they watched the painful rejections from a distance as I learned to deal with it. I had to learn my own coping mechanisms, and understand that when I am not being pleasant, other kids don’t have to tolerate me. I learned to adjust myself, respect the property of others, not cling to other kids, respect their space, and not make selfish demands, until I understood that it is okay for them to not like me. As soon as I learned how to love my own time and space, the other kids stopped rejecting me. Rejection is a lesson in life, and how you deal with it is your own responsibility.

If you are being rejected or ghosted or disrespected, the onus is on you to change yourself. I can’t tell you what it is about you that makes a man switch off.  But since I read energy, I do sense that most often it is a woman’s energy of need, inadequacy, co-dependence, the need for validation, nudging, that even when projected subtly is a major turn-off for men, friends, and other sensitive people.

Are they being cruel for ghosting you, or are you being cruel for insisting they should tolerate your energy? Energy is very subtle, and different people sense it in varying degrees. But every human can sense it, at least subconsciously. And as long as you are projecting something someone doesn’t like, they have every right to move away from it. They don’t owe it to you to stick around, they owe it to themselves to find a better feeling person or space.

Please know that what you are projecting, may not be negative or toxic at all.  Sometimes it is just too much contact, which is often perceived as needy. Contrary to what dating books tell you, there is no such thing as an appropriate amount of contact. What matters is whether your need for contact matches his. Until you meet someone who enjoys as much contact as you do, you will always come across as too needy or too aloof. Be okay with that.

I tend to be what others consider too aloof. I need my own space and time like people need oxygen. Step into my personal space too much, and you will be asked to leave. Text me your dramas, and I will stop responding. Not because I am a cruel or evil person, but because I have the right to keep my energy clear of other people’s problems. Demand my time without reciprocating with a quality friendship in return, and my attention will cease.

But to demonstrate how an energetically sensitive person functions, I would describe myself as a self charging battery. Everyone loves me because I generate my own energy, never take it from other people, and often make enough energy to light up an entire stadium. Needless to say, everyone wants to be around me. The upside of this is that I have attracted some spectacular friends and lovers into my life. The downside is that everyone wants a piece of my energy, and I also attract a lot of freeloaders who want to live off my energy.  Under the guise of genuine friendship, they latch on and I become their life support system. I am their therapist, best friend, guru, rescuer and the only way they can deal with life. Every time I give them a bit of my medicine (energy), my battery gets depleted a bit. They see this as no problem because I make my own energy, I have more, so why shouldn’t they be entitled to it? There are days when a lot of people need my energy, and some take it without my permission. When my battery gets low, in the red zone, I go into emergency power saving mode. I switch off. At that point, I am trying to survive, so to protect my own soul, I have to cut you off, and anyone else sucking up my life force. You think this is cruel, but you are the one with her fangs stuck in my veins.

In order to preserve my energy, I do a few things. I ignore you. If you are talking, I will cover my ears, or leave the room, and if you follow me, I will go as far away as my feet will carry me. If you are texting, I will mute the conversation, because each notification that announces you are waiting for a reply, bites. If you are right in front of me, I will avoid eye contact, because your searching, needy eyes, that are trying to share your pain with me are sucking my soul out of my chest. In short, I will do whatever it takes to save my life, even cut you off completely and forever, when I see that our relationship is an unequal exchange of energy.

Now, I am describing my most extreme experiences only to show you what happens energetically when a person has chosen to reject you.  In essence, you are draining their energy, their soul. You might think you are giving them positive energy back, but if they are a self charging battery, also known as emotionally and psychologically healthy people, they don’t need your energy at all. They will never ask for it, and they will always prefer romantic and social relationships with other people who are energetically complete.

I am not calling you unhealthy, an energy vampire, nor a co-dependent. I am simply demonstrating that if the energy exchange in a relationship is unequal, that relationship will fail. No one can afford to be your life support for long, and as long as what you bring into their space doesn’t feel good to them, they will seek to tune you out.

You might view yourself as a saintly do-gooder, shower people with attention, affection, flowers, and gifts. You might think that text you sent to check in, and ask how they are feeling is a form of caring,  but if they sense that you are checking in to reassure yourself they still know you exist, you have just turned them off .  If you are giving all that for the sake of a relationship, you are trading your affection in exchange for their attention or time.  I hate to tell you, but trading emotions is a form of manipulation, and if you are sending me text hugs and kisses every day just to get validation from me, you are emotionally manipulating me. When a person feels like they have to respond, or like they have to appreciate all your concern, it does not feel good. It feels like they are now responsible for replying so you don’t feel hurt. At a certain point, they will bow out of the romance or friendship, because they are not willing to take care of your emotions.

Again, I have used the most blatant examples of what happens when someone feels the need to end contact, or ghost you. I don’t know you, so I cannot say specifically what you are doing to make the person feel uncomfortable. But, you absolutely MUST respect their need for space, even if it is a complete ending of a relationship.  They don’t owe it to you to coddle your feelings, hold your hand through the breakup, or soothe you into comfort. If you do believe that, do yourself a favor, and hire a therapist. Maybe ghosting is something you are just experiencing, but rejection is nothing new.

If you feel like you are experiencing rejection like a pattern, you owe yourself some help. It is better to take full responsibility for how people perceive you and treat you, then believe that you are a victim of other people’s cruelty. They don’t owe you proper treatment, and the longer you think they do you will feel incomplete.

S

Inspired by yesterday’s discussion on The Goddess Principles secret and private group on Facebook, I thought I would elaborate on my post and the conversation the ladies chimed in on. I had posted a recommendation of the book He Is Just Not That Into You written by Greg Behrendt.  As my readers know, I really don’t like dating books, and think that women should stop reading about dating strategies, as they do more to disempower, than empower a woman. But, this book is one exception to my rule, and I wholeheartedly hope that every woman reads this.

It was written by a dating consultant who was working behind the scenes of the show Sex in the City, in response to women going batshit crazy about men who make no moves at all towards them.  You know how it starts, you like the guy, you talk a bit, you might even exchange phone numbers and text a few times, but then nothing happens. He doesn’t ask you out, or if he does, the date never leads to anything. Meanwhile, the more nothing happens, the more she is getting hooked on the guy.

At a certain point this mind game she is playing all by herself, takes over every aspect of her life. Not satisfied with her own reasoning skills, she enlists the help of her girlfriends, who, with their well-meaning support, exacerbate the delusion, by helping her psychoanalyze his childhood, his mother, his past relationships, all to conclude that he is very much into her, but there is something standing in his way. Is it commitment phobia? A missing testicle? A dysfunctional family, or debilitating shyness?  Maybe he just forgot that we went on a date, maybe he needs a gentle reminder that I’m still here? Should I text hello, should I invite him for coffee? Should I offer sex to refresh his memory?

This is when a male friend would rationally point out that he is not that into you. In fact, if he is not making any moves, it is because he isn’t into you at all. Ouch!  So why do women have such a hard time facing this reality? Why would they rather believe that a jealous ex erased her number from his cell phone, than admit that he has no interest? Because it hurts, and we all narcissistically believe that if someone isn’t treating us how we want, there is something wrong with him, and not us.  Rejection hurts, and we would all rather fantasize a different outcome.

As a consultant on the TV series Sex in the City, Behrendt was responsible for most of those ingenious, late night girl talks, over pie at the corner diner. And, he too can’t believe the irrationality most women have toward men who are not interested. “But he initiated contact, so he must want something”…. “but he flirts and stares at me all day”…”He said he would like to get married some day “(but he never said he wants to marry you).

Really, any time a friend is pining over some guy who is making no moves, I think to myself, that if her mind keeps spinning long enough, this man is going to turn into an obsession for her. At a certain point, everyone including men, take that one object of desire that they can’t have, begins to obsess over it, and wants it even more.

Looking back at my own life, when a similar situation happened to me, it was when I was feeling the loneliest in my life. I had just separated from my ex-husband, started dating two men. One guy was actively pursuing me, so I quickly lost interest in him. But the other guy, strategically ignored me, so I hungered over him for a full year. One part of my brain knew this was irrational and that no relationship was possible, but the other, held out hope, so much, that at a certain point my mind I was addicted to this non-entity like crack. A drug addict lives for that hit, a tiny dose of crack that briefly produces a high, but the longer the withdrawal, and the further out the hits, he obsesses over it even more.

Ladies, do yourselves a favor and read the book He Is Just Not That Into You. Then, read it again. Any time your brain starts running in circles and you’re wondering how, when, if he will call you, read the book from cover to cover. Any time you feel the need to psychoanalyze his baffling behavior or why he isn’t chasing after you, read it again. Any time you want to waste a couple of hours analyzing his mother, his childhood and whether he has relationship phobia, read it again. In fact, sleep with it under your pillow to maintain your sanity. Trust me, you will thank me for this book.

Since that incident 7 years ago, I learned to recognize the signs of obsession and clearly distinguish it from a real relationship. This obsession is nothing but an imaginary relationship, one where a party has no intention of taking the next step, but the other party is already mentally and emotionally in the relationship. Plans are being made, wedding planners are being consulted about this pending and future relationship that hasn’t materialized.

Today, I am a drastically different person. I did a lot of work on myself. I realized that if I want to be magnetic and powerful, who I am was not enough. I studied myself hard, I faced all my flaws, weaknesses, inadequacies, and brick by brick I laid a new foundation. Yes, it was very painful, but facing your shadow self, that most pathetic aspect you don’t want anyone to know you have, is that piece that you can repair all by yourself.

The reason I want you to read He Is Just Not That Into You is because it is the answer to every obsessive question spinning around your head. You won’t waste hours of your friends’ time, creating delusions, when you have the answers.

Does he want a relationship?

If he hasn’t asked for one, No.

What is standing in his way from pursuing me?

Nothing. At all.

Does he fear relationships or commitment?

No, he’s just not that into you.

But he said he wants to get married someday?

Believe him. But, he never said that he wants to marry YOU.

But we hooked up. What does that mean?

It means you hooked up. If he hasn’t pursued you, he wants nothing more.

Does he have a crazy, jealous ex girlfriend?

Every man does. But if he was into you, he wouldn’t let her stop him from pursuing you.

Does he have relationship phobia?

I’m pretty sure there is no such thing. More likely, he has a YOU phobia.

So, what should I do?

Nothing. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it with your girlfriends, don’t pretend there is a relationship when there isn’t, don’t pursue him, don’t remind him you still exist, and don’t plan your future around him. Do yourself a favor and hire a therapist, trust me you need one. If you are obsessed with him, or relationships, or relationships with people who don’t want one with you, if you have wasted any time of your precious life on imaginary relationships, you owe yourself some help.

Face it, this was never a relationship. If you think about it logically, you fell into this imaginary relationship all by yourself. If you really want to help yourself, ask yourself why? Chances are, that like when this happened to me, you have all of these things going on 1) you are lonely 2) you have way too much free time on your hands 3) you don’t have enough of a Self, so you are looking for yourself in other people 4) you are obsessive or addicted to relationships 5) you can’t handle rejection, so to get a grip on it, you pursue who rejected you even more 6) you aren’t dating, so any man who barely crosses your path becomes your latest obsession 7) you surround yourself with other obsessive or lonely women who support your delusion because they live delusions of their own 8) your life isn’t complete, if it was, you’d have no time to latch onto imaginary relationships 9) you don’t have enough casual dating experience, so you can’t let go without painful agony 10) you are not satisfied with yourself exactly as you are, and the only thing missing in your life is a relationship.

Before you read another dating book, and trust me you don’t need one, because they will simply add to your sense of emptiness when you realize you are standing on your head to get a man to ask you out, please do yourself a favor, and fill up your life with YOU. Nothing stands in the way of your happiness but you.

Many women believe that it is a man’s fault if he isn’t giving them the kind of relationship they want, or think they deserve. If he isn’t stepping up, they waste hours analyzing him to gain a better understanding of why he can’t commit, what his issues are, what kind of woman he wants, when is he going to change? By doing that, they assume that there is something wrong with him, and they fail to realize that there is something wrong with them.

A Goddess is a woman who knows herself, works on herself to improve herself constantly. At a certain point, she becomes so appreciative of how far she has come, that she loves her own creation- her own life, and delights in her own company. It is at this point that she becomes a magnet for the kind of people who match her vibe.

I look at romantic relationships the same way I look at friendships, you attract exactly who you are right now. The people in my life reflect who I am NOW. When I meet someone who is open, loving, successful, happy, and flowing, I congratulate myself for being that. After all, a person like that would not be attracted to me, not even as a friend, if I did not match their vibe. When I meet someone who is stagnant, blocked, stubborn, stuck on the past, dependent, co-dependent, needy, lonely, unchanging, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. People like that always come back to remind me that I am now focused on something that isn’t serving me. As soon as I repair that bit of myself, I start to flow, and they disappear. We are like magnets. We attract to ourselves exactly who we are now.

If you are seeking to join the lives of others, it is because you don’t have a life of your own. And if no one is wanting to be a part of your life, it is because you haven’t created an attractive life for yourself. It is a long and painful process to look within, discover your own shortcomings, work on them, improve them, make changes, and to transform. Yes, it is much easier to just wait for the next relationship to come into your life. But the next one will refuse to be who you need him to be anyway, and so will the next one, and the next one.

If your relationships and the men in your life always follow the same pattern, always fail to launch, or fail to succeed, it has nothing to do with the man’s shortcomings. It has nothing to do with him at all, and no, it is not the world’s fault that there aren’t good single men out there. To put it bluntly, the problem is you. Are you waiting for a man so you can finally start to experience life? He isn’t coming. And that’s guaranteed. Why would he? Who are you? What kind of life have you got to offer?

I recently reconnected with a childhood friend, who immediately asked me why I never invite her to anything. She sees the life I have, I am always out and about, meeting new people, exposing myself to new experiences, traveling, exploring, and creating my own new reality. I replied bluntly, and I hope it sunk in, ‘Because it is time that you create your own life.’ I hate to criticize, but this is a person who has always lived through the lives of others, a woman to whom a romantic relationship is an opportunity to start to live, and for whom a new friendship is an opportunity to join someone else’s life. I remember when we were younger I was always trying to escape her, and she was always trying to follow me to whatever I was doing next. And the more she tried to join me in my own life, my travels, my explorations, my new experiences, the more I felt I was carrying her, because she just refused to grow her own feet, and find something meaningful to do on her own.

And, as I felt the burden of her friendship, I understood what it is like for a man to be in a relationship with her. He must provide a life for her, give her something to do, take her places, be the kind of partner she needs him to be, be her best friend, be a good companion, take care of her feelings, never hurt her, be the remedy for whatever ails her. This is in fact how most women and men view relationships- that if someone loves you, they will be all that for you. I think of this view of love as a sickness. Grown up people are trading their love in exchange for a crutch, a contract, a remedy for their shortcomings. No thanks.

They cannot be, without a partner. They fail to exist, without someone to validate their existence. When they have no lover, they lean on their friends for full emotional support, spiritual growth, companionship, therapy, social life, for their entire existence. In fact, most women and some men I know are just that, people seeking to live through the lives of others.

I have done a lot of work on myself to create the life I always wanted. It took years of blood, sweat and many tears. But I am who I am, exactly as I created myself to be, in exactly the lifestyle I always wanted. It is mine, and all mine. You want in? NO. Whether you’re a lover of a friend, I’m only interested in people who are interesting. I am not interested in carrying anyone through life, I now only want to know people who have fought as hard as I have to create their own world. Everyone who is in the same place of self-satisfaction as I am, has paid his/her dues, and appreciates the company of people who too have shed blood, launched companies, failed and failed again, suffered multiple broken hearts, and we are proud of who we are. Do we want relationships with warriors like us, or with damsels who want us to carry them on our backs?
 

Yes, I said good bye to many friends who refused to let go of my coat tails, to start anew many times over. And I will do so again, and again, and never look back. I am not sorry. I am always growing myself, changing myself and my knees are always scraped and my heart is always healing from a new wound. I am okay with that, because I earn the good and the bad in my life. You want to be a part of this? You have to have done a lot of work on yourself, and not look to me to fix you, guide you, or coddle you.

You want to be a part of my life? Show me the life you have created for yourself. Want someone to show you compassion, guidance, or wisdom? Hire a therapist or a guru, because I am not in business to guiding you through life.  Do you want my personal time? If I give you 30 minutes over a cocktail, your company better be greater than I could have had by myself. Sorry if you think I’m being cold, but I now have a life that is very valuable to me. I spend it with friends and lovers who have full lives of their own. Each has something to match my own accomplishments. I share my full life with people who are also complete.

And this circles back to your relationships, and why you don’t have the kind of person in your life you are so sure you deserve. You are not the kind of person he wants. Plain and simple. No, it isn’t that he can’t see straight, or needs you to teach him the kind of man he can be. He is not interested in the life you have to offer. It looks just like the life of any other girl waiting for her life to begin. From his vantage point, you may have a closet full of shoes and designer outfits, but you have nothing of interest to him. And you look exactly the same as any other damsel who is waiting, and waiting, and waiting to fill her emptiness with him.  If I was a man, I would want no part of that, and as a friend, I want no part of that either. I want friends who I can learn from, grow from, and say good-bye to, without having to chop off their fingers as they are hanging onto the hem of my skirt.

Go on, live your own life. If you don’t have one, then build it. Stop waiting for a man for your life to begin, and stop looking to me, to let you have a piece of mine. If you think you have a life, and no one is knocking on your door, it is because no one wants to be a part of it. That’s okay, keep building. You will never be enough for someone who has a better life already, and it is okay to have a long way to go.

As you keep building, you will see that more invitations are coming your way from people who like what you have built. If you don’t stop, the people knocking on your door will be better, and better creators of their own lives. You will soon develop a taste for better people, and become much more discerning about who you let into your life. When you have built a glorious palace, everyone will try to get in, and that’s when you will have to get a stronger lock on your door. That’s okay, keep building anyway. You will see, that the kind of man you want will be the owner of an equally matching palace, and the kind of friends you dream of, will only want to be a part of your life, when you have built one that is as attractive as theirs.