Solitude is a spiritual discipline. It is a practice that leads to personal growth and awakening.  Spiritual masters have been teaching the art of solitude for centuries, yet here in America, solitude is still shunned and labeled as loneliness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

As I encounter more and more people who are wide awake, I can confirm that they relish their solitude. In fact, it is the principal sign that a person has awakened (among other signs). But this post isn’t about awakenings, it is more about the benefits, especially for women.

I get calls from many women, who would like me to teach them the art of being a Goddess. They are looking to become more attractive to men, as the goal is usually to secure a lifelong relationship. And in that first phone call, I elude to the importance of personal growth and development, which begins with solitude.

And here is where I see the most resistance. “No, I don’t want to be alone any more, I have been alone all my life”, “No, I am contacting you because I do not want to be alone”, “If I liked being alone, I wouldn’t have called you”, and “I am sick of doing everything by myself, I want a partner for life”.  Yes you do, and you are all entitled to that beautiful partnership- I am too. But, what a lot of women don’t realize is that how they perceive their solitude is how others perceive them. And how they view their single status, is how others view them too.

In that rejection of solitude, spiritually, you are rejecting yourself. “I don’t like being alone” is the same as saying “I don’t like being alone with myself”, or “I do not like my own company”.

Years ago, as I was facing a very rough patch in my life, I realized that in order to heal, and move on, I had a lot of work to do on myself. My well meaning friends and relatives were only a distraction. Their advice, though well-intentioned, was only rooting me to their belief system, and conformity to their way of life. I had to find myself, I had to discover my inner truth, I had to face my inner demons, I had to discover who I am as a being, rather than accept how friends, parents and society defined me.

So I withdrew from the outer world, and embraced my inner world. I have been practicing meditation for years, so I knew how sweet it is. And in that inner world I discovered acceptance and appreciation for who I really am. I spent much of my time in nature, walking, breathing fresh air, talking to animals, soaking up sunshine, smiling at trees, smelling roses, and listening to the gentle sounds of water flowing.

Self-discovery, and self-awareness are keys to becoming a Goddess. Without going into too much detail about what it actually means, I will say to my clients who are looking to command the attention of the opposite sex, that being self-possessed is the most attractive quality a woman can have.  Yet, this is such an elusive quality in a woman, because we are raised to be the opposite. Society teaches women how to gain validation from men, define ourselves by the quality or permanence of our relationships, seek approval, conform, worship security or stability that another person could provide, race the biological clock, beat ourselves up for not being in meaningful, binding relationships, etc.

Self-awareness and self-possession are at the opposite end of the spectrum. In solitude, we discover our soul, our meaning, our path. We love ourselves for who we really are, and make choices for ourselves, by ourselves, then project those decisions to the outside world. Goddesses are rare, but they truly exist.

We speak our minds, reject convention, define ourselves, live how we want to live. We do not judge ourselves, nor do we judge women who have made choices drastically different from our own. In fact, that is what TheGoddessPrinciples.net is about. It is about embracing our differences, our personal opinions, glorifying women who live solely on their own terms.

In terms of relationships, we do not seek validation from men. We are already valid in every sense of the word.  We do not seek to bond to anyone, we are already in touch with ourselves. Women who do not seek to bind a man, are the ones men feel most attracted to.  We exercise our choices, and always, always, always, those choices are in our own best interest, not in the interest of preserving a relationship or pleasing our partner. When relationships are unsatisfactory, we are capable of walking away. Rather than force our partners to change, try to make them better people, of obligate them into giving us more than they can, we are would rather meet someone who suits us better. Our personal time is so precious, that unless the other person is bringing us joy, ecstasy and an amazing experience, we would rather be alone.

Historically, women like us lived on the outskirts of society. We were vilified for daring to think, live life on our own terms, when it was unacceptable for women to be single and self-sufficient. In past centuries, women like us were accused of being whores, hags, spinsters, crones and witches, and though we had done nothing wrong, we were burned at the stake.

Today, more women are getting in touch with themselves. They are investing in themselves, and when relationships they seek do not materialize, they continue to explore the world, and grow on their own. They know they have a path, and they are happy to discover it by themselves. They know, with 100% certainty, that the relationships they stumble into along the way, will be learning experiences, beautiful moments, and life altering adventures. A soul mate will meet them on that path one day, but in the mean time they are happy in their own company.

Goddesses attract men, and command their attention by being 100% comfortable with themselves, 100% in love with themselves, 100% confident in their abilities, 100% in love with their solitude. It takes some training, and the process is slow. But whether a woman is willing learn to love her solitude is a telling sign whether she is willing to do the hard work to transform herself.

S

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

Permanence, loyalty, forever, commitment, obligation, contractual relationships, are for people who are looking to secure the present moment. The most insecure people in the world believe that they can control their situations so that nothing changes, and they feel best in the illusion of permanence. Unfortunately, the world turns regardless of what they want, and when they lose their grip on permanence, they lose their bearings and their sense of security.

Freedom, impermanence, progress, growth, are for people who have found themselves. They understand that to progress through life, they will outgrow their friends and their lovers. Two people cannot walk the same path forever, each has a responsibility to themselves to expand and progress. A wise man once said: “If you haven’t outgrown your friends [or lovers], you haven’t grown at all”.

So, embrace change, it is nature’s way of pushing you forward. Find your own self, your own security, your own worth, and you will never demand that others never leave you. You will have the most important gift of all, your center, your wholeness, and you will be complete.

Dating for those who live for adventure can be complicated. Finding someone who thrives on the unknown, undiscovered, and uncivilized is like finding a needle in a haystack. You won’t find people like this sitting in a bar, waiting just for you. And you won’t find them online, as people who create dating profiles often list travel as a passion, but when you meet them in person, it is more likely they don’t travel in the same style or with the same goal as you.

I realized a long time ago that I am absolutely bored with traditional dating. I am so bored, that I cannot stand meeting a person for dinner, spending 1-2 hrs of my time making small talk, and trying or avoiding getting to know this person. What is worse is what comes next. If you like the person, you now have to devote time every week doing exactly the same thing, to discover if some day, the two of you will like each other enough to spend more time together. To reach this point, you have to endure texting, playing games, meeting other people, walking on eggshells, learning about what tics this person off, dealing with their irrationality, their insecurity, all to conclude at some point in the future that this was a complete waste of time.  No thanks.

Many years ago, I decided to explore dating from a different angle. I resolved to do what I like to do only, and see who shows up for the adventure. I made a list of 20 things I always wanted to do, but my exes never wanted to experience, and I started dating myself. Imagine the bliss of doing things that you enjoy every single minute, and doing it for yourself, by yourself. It was a beautiful experience.

In fact, it was so enjoyable that people started to ask if they can come along. At this point I had to become selfish and reject people whose company was not better than my own. I rejected all my female friends. My rationale was that I have been encouraging them to do more things on their own, date themselves, and since they were unwilling to do this, I wasn’t going to compromise my bliss, holding their hand through life, or creating beautiful moments for them.

As I checked dates off my list, I started to venture out on destinations that were close to home. I explored woods, beaches, vineyards, racing schools, falconry schools, log cabins, lakes, animal sanctuaries by following my bliss. Soon, male friends noticed my adventures and they started asking if they could tag along. Though they were more welcome than my girlfriends, I still had to be selfish and only allow the ones I thought were worth my time to join me.

But here is where it got interesting. It turns out that the ones who were worth my bliss were people who were also self aware, interesting, experienced explorers, adventurers, fearless risk takers, and those who expected much more out of life than the mundane traditionalism I dislike so much.

Having no expectation of a traditional relationship, I started to plan longer trips with these men. My requirements remained the same- the trip had to be something that I really wanted to do (this was not about him at all), and my invitation would go out to several men at the same time. I would then select the most fun, interesting person to join my adventure, and it was always preferable that I go alone. These trips spanned the globe, and as a result I had adventures in Thailand, UK, Greece, Dubai, wherever my whim took me.

What I learned was that the person who showed up on my adventure was always a thousand times more compatible to me than that guy who asked me out to dinner a dozen times, then wasted my time texting in and out of the relationship. People who travel tend to appreciate life. They understand that life is short, and like me, they believe in taking risks, enjoying every moment, and avoid wasting time on people who don’t want the same.

No, I wasn’t 100% compatible with all of them, but I was much happier meeting them abroad, seeing how they perceive foreign cultures, how they experience the unknown. You learn more about a person when you share a hotel room for a few days, than you would after 3 months of traditional dating.

But most importantly, you are meeting people doing what you love best. Anyone who shows up on these adventures is much more likely to be your type, want the same things, and enjoy the same moments. What I wasn’t expecting is that adventurers tend to be better communicators.

Knowing that we only have a week together in a distant land, communication is key. Certain things must be spelled out up front, such as the terms of the “friendship”, expectations, habits and boundaries. Again, it is much more refreshing to learn that about a person up front, then find out after a few months of dating that the person you are with hates being alone and needs you to help him face everything

Over the years, I have had beautiful adventures with people I never would have met in the traditional dating world. What made the experience amazing was that each person had something to teach me that I hadn’t experienced before. More importantly, I learned how to appreciate myself, chart my own course, and stick to it. Today, it no longer matters that the guy I am seeing doesn’t like interacting with wild animals like lions or tigers. All that matters is that I do, and I will do it anyway. Who shows up on my adventure is much more likely to be compatible with me.

S

I have more balls than any man I have ever met in my life. It’s hard to be like this.

As I aired my frustration on my FB page this morning, friends chimed in with support: “Tell me about it”, “I hear you”, and “That’s pretty much how all women feel…”.

It’s absolutely true, but I am not complaining. We have been fighting for this for decades. We have won the rights we didn’t have, exceeded men in education, pushed our way into every workplace, and last year outnumbered men in the corporate world. Sure, we have a long way to go, but it is only a matter of time.

This is in no way a rant against men, or gender inequality. I am the last person to bash men. In fact, when I have risen, it was thanks to a male boss or mentor. This is merely an observation about where we are today, and the frustrations women experience trying to negotiate our way through life.

Today, we are more capable than ever. And the more we know we can do it, the higher our expectations rise. So, does it come as a surprise when the men in our lives suddenly look smaller? Maybe we had way too much confidence in them in the past, so now that we stand at a higher vantage point, those high expectations look unreasonable.

The reason for this post is part frustration, and part observation that I have not met a male in decades whose word and character can match that of a woman. Sure, I have met many nice, educated, stable, well-adjusted guys. But when it comes to that final test of character, they almost always flake out. These are not just people I am dating, they are friends, colleagues, even family members.

Rather than analyze what is wrong with men (short answer: Nothing), I’d rather admit that the world has changed for the better, and that we now must step into those roles we were taught to look up to. Let’s face it ladies, we made it!

So, in dealing with an unexpected emergency this week, I completely intended to handle the situation on my own. After all, all it takes are some phone calls, capable hands, change of logistics, and a glass of champagne.  But friends found out, and they rallied to help.

Hours later, I had an entire team of people offering advice, encouragement, and their time. A few days later however, guess who’s left standing? The women, of course. The guys have all flaked out. Not that I was actually counting on them, I had a back up plan all along. But it is amusing how good guys today compete on chivalry, strength and verbal support. They insist to be thought of as manly, capable, and trustworthy, yet disappear when they actually have to demonstrate it.

Again, I don’t think that this is their fault. Their character and abilities haven’t changed, we have just become more self-reliant. Those men we looked up to decades ago, are no longer heroes. From this vantage point, they are merely human. And so, our expectations have to change.

As frustrating as this may seem, this is actually a good thing. Rather than complain about their character flaws, we should recognize that we are no longer just equal, we have surpassed them on many levels. I am very comfortable with this. But, where we still have to step up, is the relationship game. This is something I feel women still don’t understand.

We struggle with being feminine, while we know we must have balls to make it in this world. We enter relationships hoping he will man up, then find in a matter of days, that we are the man. Unlike most social commentators who advise women to back off, hide their balls, and play damsel in distress, I disagree completely!

It is sheer torture for me to have to hide my balls (a.k.a. Horns), or stand in the background as I watch a man fumble. Having given too many chances to so many “good guys”, I realized it is time to stop hiding. I will do it all by myself, and they’ll just have to man up. Or not.

I’ve been dating younger men for years, and listening to criticism from older guys who complain that I am dating superficially. Don’t you want a man for his intellect? No, my IQ is 134. Don’t you want a man of character? I think I have proven I have more. Don’t you appreciate a man’s wisdom? Are you implying I am not wise?

The simple fact is that those qualities we have been taught to appreciate in men (strength, character, intelligence, wisdom, stability and protection) are ours now. In fact, we have more of those characteristics than most of our male peers. I am comfortable with that. But, we no longer need men to support, advise, guide, nor stabilize us. Just like men of previous generations, we can now afford to date just for the fun of it, even superficially.

Years ago, we watched in confusion when a guy would hit midlife crisis, grow a pony tail, divorce the wife with a PhD, and shack up with a young, bouncy, bimbo who makes him happy. I point out that today we are merely doing the same.

What do I get from those younger men I date? Biceps, adventure, energy, and stamina!  Honestly, it’s too much work, and zero ROI to deal with a man and his emotional insecurities. It would take an army of psychologists, spiritualists and drill sergeants to teach him to man up. It’s much more fun to keep a few boy toys on the side, have a good time with them, and depend on my own balls.

So you see ladies, it is not so bad out there at all. We thought we were losing something when statistics showed that there are no available men for women with MBAs and PhDs. There are, and they’re even better than the prospects our mothers had. Our mothers had to look for mates who could provide protection, stability and wisdom. Now that we are all that, we can afford to date for fun, muscle, and earth shattering orgasms. Not a bad thing at all!

S

I have a friend who loved fearlessly, and was good inspiration when I was recovering from divorce. I learned so much from her positivism, her willingness to explore her sexuality, despite the criticism from all her girlfriends. In life, you learn that your critics are just people who are afraid you will succeed. And despite her 257 breakups, 3 elicit affairs, 34 broken hearts, and 1001 “I told you so’s”, she approached every relationship with a her heart wide open.

Sure,  medical “experts” would caution that this is not a healthy human being, but spiritual experts know that nothing could be further from the truth. Some women refuse to fear. They live life on their own terms, make no apologies and have no regrets. In fact, that is the healthiest way to enjoy one’s life to the fullest.

S

“Relationships have become a problem because we are not using them to enhance our lives. We are trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.” – Sadhguru

This quote hits close to home, because it is something I hear most often from friends. And since I started writing this blog, and posting my opinions on social media, I am inundated with questions about how and where can a person find a relationship. Before I ever answer that question, I ask, Why do you want a relationship? Fair warning, it is a trick question.

And here come the answers: I want someone to complete me, I want someone to travel with, I just want someone to be with, and the ultimate answer that I hear mostly from women: I want a deep, emotional bond with someone. It isn’t surprising that most of such statements are coming from women who claim to be staunchly independent, and want to be perceived as whole or complete. “My life is complete, but…”

Since I launched TheGoddessPrinciples.net I have partnered with professionals like relationship and dating coaches, lifestyle and career gurus to inspire women to step out of their own boundaries and push them to be more. And when we compare notes, we agree that the vast majority of women who claim are complete, are anything but. This isn’t a criticism, it is an observation of how people are confusing love and relationships with an emotional crutch. The fact is that many people simply don’t know the difference.

Ask any woman why she wants a relationship, and she will tell you exactly what gap she needs him to fill in her life. She hasn’t traveled yet, because she has no one to travel with. She is waiting to see Paris with the right person. She is disappointed in the people she has dated, because none of them would bond with her. Modern relationships suck because men text, but do not call and actually speak to her. Thus, she is looking for someone to bond to, speak to, travel with, talk to, spend time with.

But, there is a growing number of women on the opposite end of the spectrum. Whether there is someone to travel with or not, they have been to Timbuktu anyway. Rather than wait for someone special, they fly to Paris whenever they can, even for a weekend. If a man isn’t calling them or communicating to their face, they don’t care, they have no time for long phone calls anyway. For them, bonding is something they do selectively. They will only bond with people they deem worth it, and even then, they’d rather be with people who are free, and seek no bondage at all.

Do you see the difference? So when people ask me how to go about finding a relationship, I explain that their dream man lies at the opposite end of that spectrum. It is the women who have no gaps in their lives that are the most approachable, most fun to travel with, and the easiest to connect with. The ones who aren’t lonely, waiting for someone or searching, are the ones who have the most offers.

From simple observation, I have seen that the women who have trouble keeping a man, are the ones waiting for a relationship to fulfill them. They also have the most trouble with friendships, as they make the same demands of their girlfriends: travel with me, sign up for a class with me, call me, come to an event with me. But, again, this is not a complete woman. And if you want that relationship you dream of, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. The goal is to fill in those gaps yourself, so that when a potential mate comes along, he isn’t afraid to tumble into one of your gaps, and never be allowed to leave.

Men have a sixth sense about women, and the first thing they try to assess, are your needs. You don’t have to communicate them, they can smell them a mile away. When they sense you need bonding, they perceive that as bondage, and that is a fair assessment. When they see you have been waiting for them to go to Paris, they wonder why a grown woman hasn’t hopped on a plane, and seen such an easy city to navigate all by herself.

When you demand he calls you in person to talk to you, when it is easier for him to send a quick text, they wonder, how much time do you have on your hands, and do you have no one to talk to?

As with lovers, so with friends, she needs much more than busy people can give. To me, that is the epitome of a woman looking for a relationship to fulfill her. When there is no man in her life, her girlfriends become a crutch. They are the ones she holds hands with through her life. They are the ones she plans everything with. Some women claim that they simply enjoy the company of their friends, but if her idea of traveling solo is a required business trip, and attending a party alone is horrifying, then you are looking at a person who is searching for someone to prop her up.

So where do incomplete women find relationships? As I said before, that smart, capable, solid man she dreams of won’t find her attractive. He knows he will have to drain himself to complete her, and that no matter how much attention and reassurance he gives, she will need more. Incomplete women tend to find men who too are incomplete. Unfortunately, two humans with gaping holes in their lives, will never be able to fill each other up. Their insecurities, their neediness, their expectation that their partner should fill their needs, are a recipe for a toxic relationship.

Complete women, have a different attitude about men. Because there are no missing pieces in their lives (they filled each missing piece themselves), they are free of need or neediness. These women are actually free to want men, and in that freedom they allow themselves to pick and choose. Naturally, they get much more male attention, since any man can see they are happy, they’re thriving, they are solid human beings. Of course, they too want to find true love, but these women are not willing to settle. They know their true worth, and are content to keep dating and enjoying life’s little adventures, without needing to turn each man into a spouse.

These women are fully capable of having casual flings, because they do not seek to bond to every single man who comes along. They can enjoy each romance, because they don’t fear loss or heartache. A man is not a loss to a woman who has no gaping holes in her life. He is simply a soul she meets along her path. She knows that the more she keeps walking, the more she keeps growing, and if she allows herself to experience all that life has to offer on her own, the man she finally chooses will be much bigger and stronger than the ones she has left behind. Women like these are not looking for a husband to complete them, they are looking for an equal. They are perfectly willing to enjoy their lives now, knowing they don’t have to settle for anything. They are already complete.

The main reason I started TheGoddessPrinciples.net is to show women that the process of completing herself is by far more important than finding a man. At times the process can be painful, but it is the most beautiful aspect of personal growth any human can experience. There are many, who simply refuse to endure that, and would rather find a spouse anyway. They are the ones I refuse to associate with. This may sound cruel, but my life is too precious to spend it holding hands with girls, who refuse to be women.

But the women who can look in the mirror, and fairly and accurately acknowledge all their missing pieces, have embarked on a journey, that will eventually bring huge rewards. They will learn that the relationship they have with themselves is the most rewarding of all, and that any man who comes into their life is just the icing on the cake they baked all by themselves.

Choosing a partner, based on whether he could leave you, is called FEAR.

Choosing a man, just because he seems unlikely to cheat, look for someone better, or is least likely to abandon you, is FEAR.